So NaNo… That is all I wish I could say, but unfortunately I am a failure…which turns out is not such a bad thing. I can partially blame the fact that I think that my writing sucks ass (that sounds better in my head and on paper it makes no sense) and the rest of the blame I believe is going to go to the fact that I told too many people what I was trying to do.
I like to tell people my plans, because upon telling them, I have backed myself in a corner. Once I decide I want to do something then I usually tell those around me that I think highly of their opinion of me. Like my sister, my mother, and my in-laws the usual people that most others would want to please and have think highly of them. I did not include my husband, because I know he not only knows everything that I am thinking, but he also would still be there to help pick me up if I do fail.
I am a bit determined when it comes to succeeding for those around me, and usually not as determined for me. Yes, I believe I will reap the benefits of this determination, but I know I will also push myself a little too much and cause undue harm to myself in the process.
For me writing 50,000 words in one month with three children, art projects, and a house to tend all in the same month as Thanksgiving was affecting my Lupus to a degree. My anxiety builds and I vamp up my system to overdrive with more thoughts and lack of sleep (I began staying up later to max my word count for the day). So, on the verge of definitely failing at NaNo, I like any other human being began to seek validation for my reasoning of why I should be okay with failing. And this too is a normal human process of grieving any loss.
Here is what I found:
(And I thought I had watched all of the TedTalks but never heard of Derek Sivers before.)
I am no longer a failure.
I ‘m an experimenter for learning purposes.
I think I am validated so now I will leave you with my own painting process video. I normally don’t like people to watch the process because in the beginning you can get some very bad feedback that can stall the whole project. A portrait can look pretty hideous in the beginning.