This morning I found the following written in one of my many notebooks. I wrote it a few years ago around the time I launched my first website. I had sort of forgotten about it.
I want a jolt to spring forth through my art and strike people. Strike them with logical thought and reason. Something to bring them up out of the wallowing in sorrow for themselves and mankind.
I don’t want fame and fortune. I want a society with creative fortitude and passion for life.
A spring of new life will come forth.
I want change.
Real change, not some cheap knock-off pretending to hold some altruistic motive, but a change that is of goals. What we need is a change that can only happen when one reaches down within the deepest and darkest chasms within their being and fight their demons head on and truly extinguish those undulating negative thoughts.
I have definitely wallowed in those pits of sorrow and despair for myself and many other people around me, as well as those I didn’t even know. So much so that I have been hospitalized more than once for suicidal ideation and its failed attempts.
I have been one to compare myself with so many others.
I have looked down my morals nose at others.
I have seen so much negative in the others and the world around me.
Why was everything around me so terrible and negative? My despair grew as did my wallowing. I thought that I had so much pity for everyone else. I felt as though I could be a moral beacon and bring those I pitied into knowing truth. What I had was not empathy, but pity.
The very act of me feeling sorry for anyone else automatically brought them down to a level beneath me. As if I was some sort of saving grace for them. You may see some of this mindset in my past posts, which I am not going to remove because I have a changed perspective. I want this blog to be an ever changing being just as I am. It reflects my growth as an individual and it gives me something to look back on and question. I will not hide who I am, have been, or will become.
Recently, what I have begun to understand is that all the negative in the world that I was seeing has been my mirror of the perspective that I hold. (My negative is my negative. You may be harboring your own in a completely opposite truth of mine, but the mechanism is just the same.)
I have known of the saying that “Life is your mirror.” I have repeated it to others. I definitely have told my teenage daughter numerous times, but it never really sunk in fully until this last week. If you are not familiar with the life mirroring you concept, I found the following story today while putting this post together that helps illustrate the point. I would also suggest reading the original article source.
“There was a puppy in the woods, he was feeling sad and depressed with his life. He entered a house of mirrors (all the walls lined up with several hundreds of small mirrors). When he entered the house, he saw hundreds of sad puppies around him. Where-ever he looked he saw sad puppies. He became sure now that the world was full of sadness, because there were so many sad puppies. This confirmed the belief in his mind that sadness is all there is to life, and he became more sad and depressed as he left the house of mirrors.
There was a second puppy in the woods, he was feeling very angry within and was frustrated with his life. He had a scorn on his face and his eyes were narrow with anger. He entered the house of mirrors and saw himself surrounded by hundreds of angry puppies. He was only seeing his reflection on the mirrors, but he did not realize that. He snarled at the reflections and the reflections snarled back at him. In his mind he became convinced that this world is full of anger, and that he needed to defend himself against these angry puppies all the time. He came out of the house angrier and more frustrated with the world.
There was a third puppy in the woods, he was feeling full of joy and he was romping around with his tail wagging. He entered the house of mirrors and was extremely thrilled to see hundreds of happy puppies wagging their tails, smiling at him with glee in their eyes. He felt blessed to know that this world was full of happiness and that he had nothing to worry about, because there were so many happy puppies out there for company. He came out of the house feeling even more joyful, with a deep conviction in the goodness of life.”
If you replace the puppy with yourself, and you replace the house of mirrors with the external reality of your life, you can make a direct co-relation and realize the truth hidden in this story.
If I had read this information before and repeated it, why did it not click with me? Why did I not see it for what it was? It is because I have been lying to myself for so long that it had become an unconscious action. I was not aware of it, even though I touted its benefits to others.
I was living a lie. I didn’t believe in my worth. I told myself the worst case scenario about myself for so long that I believe it to my core and built up my belief system on its foundation. Not ever realizing that the foundation core of my beliefs was a complete cauldron of shit.
The worst is that I wanted to bring everyone else down to my trodden level. I saw it as some sort of haven. I was so blindsided as if I had Stockholm syndrome with my false belief system.
I wanted to tear down all of the work of our forefathers. To tear down the belief that humans are miraculous problems solvers, creators, innovators, creators, and all around good people.
I was calling for apocalypse.
I basically wanted mankind to be dumb-ed down and kept at a preindustrial level of just existing.
I wanted these things because I hated myself, so I reflected that into the world around me.
I certainly didn’t want just existing to be my lot in life, yet I was okay with wanting to throw all of mankind’s advancements and technology out with the proverbial bathwater.
Yes, we as a species have done some horrible things and are still carrying on some not so pleasantries, but we all make mistakes. We can either admit those mistakes and move on toward change in our world, or we can continue to bicker amongst ourselves about who knows the right way.
If we see negativity in our world, we need to ask ourselves from what perspective are we viewing that negativity.
We can continue to see great change in this world.