Disguised Blessings – #Blesstival 2016

800px-Glass_Beach_Fort_Bragg_2

By Jef Poskanzer – originally posted to Flickr as Glass Beach / wave, CC BY 2.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=3773754

Blessings come in many ways in our lives and sometimes those blessing are in disguise.

It is easy to look back on our experience and see where something or someone was a blessing, but it is very difficult to see those blessing that are currently unfolding in the present, especially if they come with difficult change.

This of course does not mean that we are not blessed in the current moment; we just need to understand that blessings can come as hardships. We have all heard before when a tragedy strikes that maybe positive change will come of it.

I am reminded of the phrase “diamond in the rough.” If it were not for the hardships that cause one to get thrown about in the waves of experience, then one may never reach that level of refined beauty that so many seek.

I was asked recently by a friend, “How did you end up with a good man after being with an abusive one?” This was asked honestly with the underlying notion that those who get involved in abusive relationships tend to repeat those relationship choices.

I had never thought about my current relationship from this perspective….

How did I end up making a positive change in my life?

I am glad my friend had the courage to speak up and ask me. This was a blessing in its own right. The subject came up because of a blog post that I reluctantly made about my past abuse. I did not know at the time just how much healing that one blog post could bring me and again I was blessed.

My current relationship is thankfully not an abusive one. There are hard times and there are really tough decisions that need to be made, but I am now in a secure place in my experience that allows for greater spiritual growth. I am changing and growing and I am blessed to be in such a responsive relationship. I have been contemplating for weeks about my current relationship and questioning its blessings in preparation for this post. I only now see this relationship as such a blessing in progress because of this post.

When we honestly question our current experience for deeper meaning we are allowing the All That Is to move about freely in our lives to help us do some polishing up. This is also when synchronicity becomes visible. This has definitely been happening in my life, and I am happy to invite the change in perspective.

My previous post was about past blessings and where they have brought me. Those blessing in my life were much easier to view in hindsight. I could see the good that came about from those situations and I could say with confidence that I was blessed.

This current post is not as definitive as my last. I am being blessed yet I am among the chaos that comes with the shedding of old ways. Many of these current blessings are still being expressed and brought forth. They are not finished with me and I have not felt their true worth.

One of those blessings is my husband. It is his birthday today and I want to honor his presence in my life by expressing the blessings I have received from our relationship.

It has been difficult to truly see my blessings. I know that I have benefited greatly from our relationship and I know that I am happy with where our decisions have brought us thus far, but after 10 years we are still a work in progress.

If there is one great lesson that I have learned from this man, it is to seek greatness in all that I do and the blessings will abound.

I am still at a loss for words to describe the blessings in our relationship, but I do know that love is the best sandpaper there is when is comes to smoothing out our spiritual selves. My husband and I can only truly know our worth to one another and others can only know the reflections that our relationship makes upon this world.

My hope is that we help create positive change to those around us.

Change is always happening and we get to chose how we perceive it, just as you get to perceive my intentions for this post.

I want others to seek to see the beginnings of blessings in their current situations and remember that blessings come in many unsuspecting ways.

This post was created as part of a Blog Blesstival created by Sophia’s Children.  I would like to thank Jamie for opening up the windows for these blessings to be brought forth.

One Thing That My Horrible Coaching Experience Did Teach Me

One thing that my coaching experience did teach me.

“Do not let someone to tell you who and what you are not.”

This is an essential lesson learned even without the payment for services.

My coaching experience started with me being wrapped up and flown on a magic carpet ride to an imaginative dream world. A world where I could have all that this world imagines for me. Great abundance and prosperity. Little did I know my idea of abundance (happiness, satisfaction, inner peace) greatly differed from my coaches idea of abundance (money, vacations, and stuff) This seeking of future abundance could almost become an addiction for some. I did what I do best…speculate and create.

I’m good at this. I could sit and imagine all day. I may be addicted to theorizing and postulating, but one day I feel something will come of it. This is because I can’t stop it and I’m not sure if I want to.

A huge bump on my flight to dreamland that brought me out of my daze was when my relationship with my husband was not only questioned by my coach, but I was demonstrably shunned for thinking such a thing about my own experience.

I may not have a clue as to why I am here on this earth, or what exactly I am supposed to be accomplishing on this incarnation, but one thing I do know down to the deepest of my core as a fluid and feeling being in this temporal experience is the facts about my relationship with my husband.

I know what we have and I know where we have come from the beginning. Our relationship is the closest and most profound experience that I have manifested in my reality. We are so deeply intimate that I find it difficult to even describe. We have pushed and prodded one another toward greater awareness of the other as well as into deeper understandings of ourselves. We continue to grow and hope to effect those whose lives we encounter. We have spent many countless hours talking about our deepest fears to our greatest dreams. I know no one closer than he. I am so intricately intertwined into his psyche as he is to mine. Truly I believe deep down that we are one soul on another plane. The completeness that I get from his presence in this life is the one thing that grounds me every time I let my feet lift off into the otherworlds. Those otherworlds of doubt and worry. The desolate places within our minds that hold all the darkest parts of humanity in its tombs. These are the places where our devils and demons are chained and caged for us to view from afar. The places that exist so we may have formality and complacency. Those are the places that many try to ignore and forget. The places that get changed into myth as though they never existed. They are brought outside of our selves and put on display as if we have no order or control over their forces. It is easy for a dreamer to get lost in these deep dark caverns of our psyches. Nicholas is my beacon amongst the shadows. He brings me back to reality. I could go on and on with my expressions of happiness and gratitude when it comes to the other soul that gives me a sense of completeness, but it will not settle with anyone’s heart unless they too have experienced such a relationship.

I am grateful for the grounding that I receive from my husband, and it was our relationship questioned that brought me again out of my coaching dreamstate.

It pains me when I mention something about my love to someone and they reply with the totally opposite viewpoint using socially acceptable clichés about relationships. The cliches you see used in tv entertainment. The drama and excited of discontent. It too is addicting to some. I thankfully do not have this addiction, I think…

During this coaching experience I began learning some things about myself and becoming excited about delving into the waters of my soul, but my coach stopped me mid sentence and told me that was not the case and that I needed to get that idea out of my head. I was immediately taken aback. I was shoved into my past where as a young girl I could be so entranced into my imaginative play and then was dragged out by the screams of my mother about all the wrong I had done.

This is when my expensive carpet ride hit some turbulence. I had opened up too much to a total stranger. I had poured my heart out and cried to this woman, and in an instant she betrayed that trust. I was shown a side of this woman that she had cleverly hidden from me. I had been given a completely wrong impression from the beginning as a cute sales ploy to gain my allegiance as a customer.

I was just another sales call.

I was disheartened.

Every interaction we had after that I was reminded of all the others in my past whom had lied to me about who they truly were; the manipulative and abusive boyfriends, the classmates who sneeringly joked about me, the mother who transformed into a monster, the father who abandoned me, the religion that ostracized me.

I was still healing from these things and so quickly were those wounds ripped open. I had spent the most money ever on myself. I was just emerging from my dark night of the soul on my healing journey when my coach grabbed those chains and drug me back to the filthy pits of transgressors.

I lost all trust again.

I was that little girl hiding back beneath the bed, peeing herself so she didn’t have to face the monster.

I wanted my money back. I wanted to forget about what had happened. I didn’t. I was shot down and too scared to stand up for myself. I stuck through the rest of our time together. I got nauseous and gagged a little when she spent an hour trying to convince me to sign up to her inner circle, for a monthly fee. I knew that I couldn’t use the same deceptive practices to lull some unsuspecting soul into a trap for a few bucks. I could not and would not join a group of women who pride themselves in the closing sales pitch as they flaunt the wealth that comes from their deceitful practice.

I would liken the experience to a new age cult. One is slowly reeled in by promises of multitudes and plenty be it happiness or money. Then once inside the halls they are damned to perpetuate the cycle in order to uphold their end of the deal. If they do not uphold their end… they are dropped from the circle that keeps them alive in whatever they were promised. Either you want it bad enough, or you would rather save your soul.

I sheepishly saved my soul and ran for the nearest exit.

I did gain insight with my coaching experience just like I gained greater insight from the many other relationships I have had as a human on this earth. I fell into the coaching trap for a reason. It may not have manifested what my ego wanted, but it did give me greater wisdom.

All of my experience plays a part in who I have become in this 33 year old body. It all comes down to whether I chose to allow that insight to help me create order within myself or delve into chaos.

Are We As Consumers Doing All The Work?

Sometimes I think the machine just messes with you. #technologyfail #shutupandringmygroceries

A post shared by Tina Miller (@encompassingchaos) on

We all know what production is, and we know what consumption is. You can refer to this older post about that here. There are those who are producers and those who are consumers, but have you ever heard of prosumption?

Many, many years ago (like the 1970’s) the word prosumption was coined to describe a change in the way that production of goods would be produced. It was reasoned that the economic landscape would grow to benefit consumers to such a degree that they would have much say in how and what was being produced. This is for the most part how some things turned out. One can have a specific saying or image produced onto t-shirts, mugs, and clocks with the click of a button. More and more consumers are producing their own media and customizing businesses across the internet to meet their own needs. Blogs being one of the biggest arenas for prosumption. We are the creators and consumers of the products or media being produced. YouTube is another great example of prosumption.
Actual prosumption, though, through mass customization of mega business for the consumer has not been met with their initial assumptions.

I would like to address some disconcerting fads that large corporations have begun to incorporate into their profit systems.

I hadn’t heard of prosumption until the other day. I came across this scientific article because of a fellow blogger. I am now more aware and would like others to be a bit more aware as well. We can not make fully informed decisions in our society if we are not fully aware of the mechanisms at work.

Most likely you have prosumed and you didn’t even know it. You know those oh so convenient check out lines where you get to ring up and bag your own groceries? Yep, you were not only consuming the goods from the store, you were part of the production process when you did the work of a cashier and bagger. Prosumerism is also present when you use your internet connection and your computer to shop around on the internet. You check yourself out and your goods arrive at your doorstep.

These things seem like great innovations. They are convenient and help you get through your day with less hassle, but in the long run are they really helping out our society as a whole?

When you choose to use the self checkout, are you getting a discount for doing the extra work? Not likely, you are paying the same prices as those using the cashier’s line. You can argue that is was quicker, but did the store under staff their cashiers on purpose? Did they artificially create longer lines? Were you essentially forced to use the self check-out? These are the things that we need to be aware of in our technologically advanced capitalistic society.

When we are not aware of what is going on, that is when we are open for exploitation.

All of big business is set up to make a profit. They are going to use everything they can to make more profit. If this means using less cashiers and more self-checkouts then that is what they are going to do. At first it seems great. We are moving forward as a society with the use of these machines, but what happens to that cashier who can’t make her house payment because her hours have been cut?

Think about all of the bookstores that went out of business since the advent of Amazon?

It seems our technology in the wrong hands (or wrong economic model) is a double edged sword.

I like innovation. I like the new things that we have created as a society, but I do not like the golem corporations that keep sucking up all the money and funneling it to the top. It definitely is a vortex.

I do not mind sometimes ringing up my own groceries and bagging them. I do however mind having my labor exploited for the bottom line.

Be ever vigilant my friends and we as the prosumer can begin to turn the tables.

Why America is Not the Greatest Country in the World

I am on a roll this morning! Maybe it is the weather or maybe I am just tired of all the blaming that goes on around the world these days. I would wager on the latter. Have you ever thought about what would happen if everyone who was an activist just got together all around the world and pooled their money, minds, and together? It seems that all the division that goes around just makes us look like this

A chaotic explosion dissidence.

What the hell are we doing people?

I see a trend when it comes to social media. Post a picture of you standing in front of flowers and you can get more than 50 likes and some comments…Post a picture about changing our perspectives to be more positive on the way we see our fellow humans and get 1 like and no comments or one that looks like this:

meme change

I think I may be hanging out with the wrong people.

Do these people really not care? Are they so stuck in their American-dream life that they can’t see a bigger picture? Maybe I am being too harsh. Maybe they just want to scroll through their feeds like there are watching television and zone out. Maybe they do not want to think about issues that have to do with the future of our country. Maybe they like to be complacent. I really like social media. I love getting to meet people half way around the world who think like me and love the world like me. We all want to be accepted.

Another Google find.

                                                         Yet another Google find.

I really like the above quote, and I hope to read Jobs’ biography, but I sure ain’t in that Apple boat, read more about that here.

Those rich bastard can be quite mean when they think no one is watching…or do they even care at this point? Ain’t got no couth.

I like using ain’t, makes me feel on level with my fellow android users.

Moving On…

Last night I watched the movie Inequality for All.

Here is a screen shot from the movie about where the money from Iphone sales land:

Interesting that only 6% comes back to America. If you read the above linked article about how the majority of Americans pander the Apple life as American. Like I said I’m in the Android boat.

After all that learning about inequality from the movie, I decided at the end to follow through with some action, so I did what the movie prompted and went to their website and I signed their petition.

This morning I find an email in my inbox.

I replied to said email as so: [I replied to their prompts inside their email format. My replies are italicized]

Dear MoveOn member,
>
> Welcome to MoveOn! By taking action with us, you’ve just joined our
> community of more than 8 million activists working for progressive change
> in this country.
>
> Our members form the core of our community and impact everything we do.
> That’s why it’s so important for us to hear from you. Can you take a
> quick
> moment to answer an important question for us?
>
> In your opinion, what is the most pressing issue facing our country
> today?
>
> Rising income inequality

Rising income inequality sucks and I would hope that this changes, but people need to stop taking so little for the value that they create. We need a movement where everyone who thinks they are not making enough actually stop going to work and then see how the large corporations like that. How about people just become entrepreneurs and start their own companies slowly and stop shopping at large corporations. The people still have a say in what happens in the market where they have dollars to spend.
>
> Republican overreach on the federal, state, and local level

We need to get our damn heads out of the clouds when it comes to party speak. We are all fucking Americans! We need every damn person that can rise up against the current political system to rally together against political parties. We need to take money completely out of the equation when it comes to serving one’s country. Who is going to be a senator or congressman when they have to have their own 9-5 and work for free on nights and weekends like our forefather’s did? Those who really give a shit, that’s who.
>
> The destruction of our environment by giant corporations

Not just large corporations…every damn person buying plastic and other oil derived products like it’s no one’s business. Americans consume just like the Chinese and Japanese consume. We are all a part of this equation. Blaming someone else for our own destruction is sadly taking the victim’s easy road out. Americans all around are destroying our environment by not giving a shit about their waste and continuing to follow trends of buy new, buy bigger, and buy more. Large corporations are just making it easier by being an enabler like a crack head’s mom. They are making a shit ton of money as well. That is just a side effect of the Americans continually buying their shit and working for crappy wages.
>
> Endless military engagement abroad

Now this is stupid. I can not believe that in the 21st century with all of our technological advancement that we are still playing boom boom shoot em up games around the world. I feel like it is a Nintendo game being played out. Oh, wait…I can believe we are still playing these games, because most Americans do not do their homework. They spend the majority of their time thinking about themselves and those immediately around them and they still watch major propaganda machines like CNN and FOX News. Those are like infomercials for the military industrial complex. I am reminded of a movie quote, “America, Fuck Yeah.” *just follow the link, you will not be dissappointed
>
> Pervasive and systemic racial inequality

The only pervasive systemic racial inequality that I see is the constant reminding Americans of their past mistakes. Who would continue to hang out with someone who constantly reminded you of all the stupid shitty stuff you did as a teenager? Me personally? Not a damn soul. I hang with those who remind me of my ability to change and effect positive change in others. I also do not hold grudges and I do not teach my children to point out and hold against others the negative aspects they might see. I could go on about this since I grew up and live in the Metro Memphis area where my white children are the minority, but I will hold back. Like I said continually beating this subject is not going to change anything. We need to change our perspectives.
>
> Something else not listed above

White hatred. Yep, I said that. I did not choose to be born white. I did not choose to grow up poor either. I am white and we were on food stamps when I was a kid. I have had to apply for food stamps when my husband was working as a manager for an OReilly’s store and working 60-80 hours a week. I have so many health problems from being malnourished as a child and only having fluoridated water to drink. I was a first generation college student thanks only to becoming a teen mother and qualifying for Pell Grants. My parent’s divorced when I was 10. My father is an alcoholic and my mother has her own issues. I have worked my ever loving ass off and continue to do so. I have watched so many others around me, such as my Mexican and Black neighbors do the same as well. We are all in the same boat. If there is one thing that irks me more is someone thinking I am privileged because of the genes that I was born with. *remember, I’m in that ghetto android family
>
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> for becoming a MoveOn member. We look forward to working with you over
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I thought I would share that with you guys.  Off the soapbox now.

I will continue, though, to try and make my changes to the world and never back down. I want to leave this planet knowing that I tried my best to create great positive change in this world. I want to leave knowing that I was not complacent and I continued to strive to be the best human that I could possibly be.

I leave you with this gem of a video. Too bad this was fiction and not an actual politician.

Of course Forbes tried to argue with an appeal to emotion with this article, but they have to be biased toward big money…that is what they represent.

Awe Inspiring Artwork is What I Do…

20150504_155926-1-1-1[1]The above is a painting I finally finished. (After showing up for myself) I have been working on it for about 2 years now. This particular piece was my exploration on compromise in relationships.

The idea behind it began with a video I watched of Jennifer Aniston interviewing Portia and Ellen on the Ellen Show.


You will have to watch the clip to get a greater understanding. I love for my outside world to help me question my inner world, and this is one reason I create. I create to explore myself and I have been having an existential crisis in my life for at least the last four years. It has definitely been my dark night of the soul, my journey into the valley of the shadow of death, and my all out saving grace wrapped into one. I am forever grateful for this journey within.
After watching this snippet of the show on the YouTube, I quickly jotted down the premise for the piece of work. I was fascinated by the relationship of these to women and their journey together. I wanted to show how this journey could be used to reflect how we as humans compromise in our lives to bring about acceptance and happiness in our lives.

In the painting I depicted a dilapidated house in the background that is ready to be transmuted into something greater.

House

                                                                            House

hous3

                                                                 House Again

According to the video this is what Ellen likes to do. She likes to explore the beauty of a home and create something greater in the process. Many of us do this in our everyday lives be it working for a corporation or a small mom and pop business. We want to create something greater in our world.

I then placed Ellen and Portia on a path in the woods.

Ellen and Porta path

                                                           Ellen and Portia on the Path

6 Ellen and Portia Path

                                           Ellen and Portia in Shadow on the Path

Path and Ellen2 This represents their journey together and the journey of all humans in existence. One can see within the painting that the light from outside of the woods has lighted the path and helps to define the features within the darkness of the woods. We cannot see this inner world unless we shine some sort of light on it. These two women are experiencing their journeys, albeit differently, together. Ellen is pulling Portia in a wagon. Ellen may be moving from one creative project to another creative project, but she is compromising with Portia by pulling her weight along instead of making her walk beside her. This is a compromise being made to have the fulfillment of a relationship. As long as the weight is not a negative aspect of the relationship, then there should be no reason why this particular choice of compromise should be detrimental to the lives of those involved. I see this as a greater truth that can be seen and accepted by others as well with these two woman as a great example.

Within my exploration of this concept I have added to this picture. When I add things I do so because I feel they are needed. It is not until afterward that I begin to explore their meaning. For instance. I added a small herd of deer. 4 to be exact and all does. I then find our that deer can represent grace, love, generosity, and abundance. I also found that deer symbolizes an inner journey, specifically female deer.

Symbolism

                                                                    Symbolism

Then the number four has very specific meaning.

I have also added
ivy, bluebells, red japanese maple tree, white blooming cherry tree, bridge, stream.

There is probably many more symbols, but you can see how they begin to paint their very own picture within the artwork.

The symbolism seems to just grow from the creative process. These things are never consciously chosen because of what they represent. It is as if the symbols manifest themselves to help me to understand what I am working through as an artist and human. To me is is a connection to the spiritual aspects of my journey, and I love exploring this part after the completion of a piece of work.

The best and worst thing about symbolism is that it can be interpreted however one would like.

I for so long have had an inner world of chaotic stories filled with negative reactions and intense emotions. I have told myself these stories with a chaotic dialogue. Talking about what I felt was going on in just about every situation I had been in. When I entered into a place, I immediately took the seat of inner reflection. Constantly judging my every action, every thought, every emotion, every word spoken aloud. I judged it against my background of perspective that I had of the world around me. I chose how I would interpret my world.

I am coming to the conclusion of my delusion.

I synchronistically was given clarity this morning from this piece of Sufi Rumi wisdom:

Although an imaginary image in this reality does not exist,
see how the world turns by a fantasy that still does persist.
Mankind’s peace and war because of a fantasy are turning…
Mankind’s pride and shame from a fantasy are springing…(Original Link)

I have been battling my internal dilemma, my imaginary image of the world around me. Why do I create something to battle? Why do I create turmoil? I know I create the perspective that I choose to see in the world around me. So why am I creating such a daunting reality?

Why, because I have lived the story that I was told. I have lived with a reality inside my mind that is a reflection of someone’s mind or image of the world.

I recently watched two similar documentaries that were completely different, and it really helped me to perceive this little bit of truth. These were not intentionally watched to seek very different perspectives, we just watched them very close together because the environment and innovation have been on our minds. I was given a good dichotomy that was going to ring true just a few days later, and this is why I was led by the universe to watch them.

For this little piece of Rumi wisdom to be understood the full content of the documentaries does not need to be known.

The first documentary was the Atomic States of America.

The primary objective of the movie was against nuclear power. I can tell you that the story plot heightened and culminated in me feeling horrible about human innovation and that society should be wiped off of the precious mother earth so that she can heal. Of course this is the primary purpose of the movie. It is meant to show the bad, dark, negative side of the atomic age and nuclear power as a whole. I would not be surprised if it was created with funding from the coal industry.
The second documentary Pandora’s Promise.
was also about nuclear power completely but from the opposite viewpoint. It was pro-nuclear power. This documentary heightened and culminated in me feeling overjoyed and excited about human innovation and advancement as a society. I was filled with musings and creativity after watching this movie. I felt positive and wanted to get to work on creating something great!

I definitely wanted to explore more after the second documentary. I do not want to debate morals and who is on the right side of the fence. I do not want to figure out which way is the right way. I only want to think about and explore the side the makes me as a human feel fulfilled and alive.

After watching Atomic States of America my husband and I were brought into for two days an existential crisis. We were ruminating about the tragedy of our lives and the lives of all of mankind. We were trying to figure out what we could do to help reverse the horrible bad things that we as humans have wrought on this earth. This is not a very happy place to be. We want to exist and be happy. We want to love our fellow man and celebrate in his victories. We do not want to exist to tear down and destroy society. Yet we allowed negative thoughts into our inner realities. These thoughts brought about more negative thoughts and more ruminating about sadness and wrong.

I do not want to live like this and neither does my husband. I definitely do not want to raise a family in this hole of a reality. Like we have dug ourselves down into the pits of hell and now we must exist amongst the monsters and death that we have uncovered.

Certainly I get to choose which reality that I want to exist in. I get to pick the side that I want to be on. I see this now. It has been here all along and I just choose not to see it. I get to live in my chosen reality. This is the only reality that I get to experience. Why would I not choose to experience the good positive feelings instead of the negative.

I am reminded of a saying, and I am not sure who said this, but it sits well with this lesson of mine.

“It doesn’t really matter what path one follows. What matters is the way that they follow the path.”

Are you allowing negative thoughts to cloud and darken your reality?

I am brought to the visualization of how the darkness and shadow help to define the light. We cannot have positive with the negative, but we definitely do not have to only live out the negative aspects.

I am reminded of another Rumi insight:

“Now is the time to see the sunlight dancing as one with the shadows.”

I am beginning a new series of portraits today. This series I believe has been implanted into me as a tiny little seed that is going to grow into something that will help others to perceive this wisdom. I will be exploring the ideas of shadow and light and how they interact with one another to help us perceive our reality.

In the mean time, what did you get out of this?

I will be exploring this subject a bit more as I work on this project and hopefully you can help me to explore more deeply.

Wallowing Will Get You Nowhere

A little nugget of wisdom I found in one of my notebooks.  The painting is one of mine as well titled "As Above So Below.

A little nugget of wisdom I found in one of my notebooks.                                                                     The painting is one of mine as well titled “As Above So Below.

This morning I found the following written in one of my many notebooks. I wrote it a few years ago around the time I launched my first website. I had sort of forgotten about it.

I want a jolt to spring forth through my art and strike people. Strike them with logical thought and reason. Something to bring them up out of the wallowing in sorrow for themselves and mankind.
I don’t want fame and fortune. I want a society with creative fortitude and passion for life.
A spring of new life will come forth.

I want change.

Real change, not some cheap knock-off pretending to hold some altruistic motive, but a change that is of goals. What we need is a change that can only happen when one reaches down within the deepest and darkest chasms within their being and fight their demons head on and truly extinguish those undulating negative thoughts.

I have definitely wallowed in those pits of sorrow and despair for myself and many other people around me, as well as those I didn’t even know.  So much so that I have been hospitalized more than once for suicidal ideation and its failed attempts.

I have been one to compare myself with so many others.

I have looked down my morals nose at others.

I have seen so much negative in the others and the world around me.

Why was everything around me so terrible and negative? My despair grew as did my wallowing. I thought that I had so much pity for everyone else. I felt as though I could be a moral beacon and bring those I pitied into knowing truth.  What I had was not empathy, but pity.

The very act of me feeling sorry for anyone else automatically brought them down to a level beneath me. As if I was some sort of saving grace for them. You may see some of this mindset in my past posts, which I am not going to remove because I have a changed perspective. I want this blog to be an ever changing being just as I am. It reflects my growth as an individual and it gives me something to look back on and question. I will not hide who I am, have been, or will become.

Recently, what I have begun to understand is that all the negative in the world that I was seeing has been my mirror of the perspective that I hold. (My negative is my negative. You may be harboring your own in a completely opposite truth of mine, but the mechanism is just the same.)

I have known of the saying that “Life is your mirror.” I have repeated it to others. I definitely have told my teenage daughter numerous times, but it never really sunk in fully until this last week. If you are not familiar with the life mirroring you concept, I found the following story today while putting this post together that helps illustrate the point. I would also suggest reading the original article source.

“There was a puppy in the woods, he was feeling sad and depressed with his life. He entered a house of mirrors (all the walls lined up with several hundreds of small mirrors). When he entered the house, he saw hundreds of sad puppies around him. Where-ever he looked he saw sad puppies. He became sure now that the world was full of sadness, because there were so many sad puppies. This confirmed the belief in his mind that sadness is all there is to life, and he became more sad and depressed as he left the house of mirrors.
There was a second puppy in the woods, he was feeling very angry within and was frustrated with his life. He had a scorn on his face and his eyes were narrow with anger. He entered the house of mirrors and saw himself surrounded by hundreds of angry puppies. He was only seeing his reflection on the mirrors, but he did not realize that. He snarled at the reflections and the reflections snarled back at him. In his mind he became convinced that this world is full of anger, and that he needed to defend himself against these angry puppies all the time. He came out of the house angrier and more frustrated with the world.

There was a third puppy in the woods, he was feeling full of joy and he was romping around with his tail wagging. He entered the house of mirrors and was extremely thrilled to see hundreds of happy puppies wagging their tails, smiling at him with glee in their eyes. He felt blessed to know that this world was full of happiness and that he had nothing to worry about, because there were so many happy puppies out there for company. He came out of the house feeling even more joyful, with a deep conviction in the goodness of life.”

If you replace the puppy with yourself, and you replace the house of mirrors with the external reality of your life, you can make a direct co-relation and realize the truth hidden in this story.

If I had read this information before and repeated it, why did it not click with me? Why did I not see it for what it was? It is because I have been lying to myself for so long that it had become an unconscious action. I was not aware of it, even though I touted its benefits to others.

I was living a lie. I didn’t believe in my worth. I told myself the worst case scenario about myself for so long that I believe it to my core and built up my belief system on its foundation. Not ever realizing that the foundation core of my beliefs was a complete cauldron of shit.

The worst is that I wanted to bring everyone else down to my trodden level. I saw it as some sort of haven. I was so blindsided as if I had Stockholm syndrome with my false belief system.

I wanted to tear down all of the work of our forefathers. To tear down the belief that humans are miraculous problems solvers, creators, innovators, creators, and all around good people.

I was calling for apocalypse.

I basically wanted mankind to be dumb-ed down and kept at a preindustrial level of just existing.

I wanted these things because I hated myself, so I reflected that into the world around me.

I certainly didn’t want just existing to be my lot in life, yet I was okay with wanting to throw all of mankind’s advancements and technology out with the proverbial bathwater.

Yes, we as a species have done some horrible things and are still carrying on some not so pleasantries, but we all make mistakes. We can either admit those mistakes and move on toward change in our world, or we can continue to bicker amongst ourselves about who knows the right way.

If we see negativity in our world, we need to ask ourselves from what perspective are we viewing that negativity.

We can continue to see great change in this world.

The Great Discontent and 100 Days of Showing Up

Journeying into the Depths of the Soul can be menacing yet refreshing.

Journeying into the Depths of the Soul can be menacing yet refreshing.

I live in a very fluid and symbolic world as an artist. I would assume many other artists, writers, and all around creatives are similar. The symbolic nature of my reality allows for me to create connections and meaning through most of my everyday happenings. I see a huge universe where everything is interconnected and flowing toward some kind of oneness.

It also becomes difficult being a mother to children, running a household, keeping up on daily chores, while trying to sustain my creativity. Keeping a creative flow of thoughts alongside these experiences as the only happenings in my everyday life becomes a bit overwhelming sometimes.

The combination of sameness and civil responsibility can become mundane or downright neurotic in some instances.

Recently, I jumped on the band wagon of #The100DayProject under the nomenclature of #100daysofusuallylate. The project is being supported by The Great Discontent…a magazine that is not just a magazine about creatives.

I was up late, as usual.  So late it was the early morning hours and I decided to show up for myself. I am usually late when it comes to many things, but the worst of them is showing up for myself. I don’t normally voice my opinion too harshly. I would like to say this is because I do not want hurt feelings, or because as a Libra I want balance, but really it is because I abhor confrontation.

I like people liking me. I do not like people not liking me or making me question myself.  (Big conundrum here since I like to question myself.)

Knowing is half the battle.

Knowing is half the battle.

That confession is a biggie. My memories of childhood are ones of stoicism. My memories of my mother were of an unflinching woman encompassed in self-sacrifice and hardship. Humble beginnings bring happiness was my motto.

I have always been one of those that relished in the fact that I survived the hardship, which in some way gave me a golden halo of satisfaction. My accomplishment was just surviving my victim-hood. As if being born into my family was some sort of curse, and surviving my childhood was the trophy to be won.

Now, with many more years of experience along with more years of changing perspectives I have arrived at a new reality. Or really I have chosen to live a new reality, because I love exploring my inner depths and finding out new things about myself. Challenging myself to grow and move in directions that intuitively feel right.

Usually late when it comes to stopping the madness of everyday life and slowing down to take time for myself needed to be stopped.

I must cherish myself if I can ever be there fully for my children, husband, or anyone else that may need my presence.

So, if you get a chance to check out my Instagram or Facebook page to follow along with my new perspective, then please do. I would love for you guys to share with me your stories as well. How do you show up for your self?

I am an ever changing and emerging feminine goddess made in the image of the all that is and I hope to continue the journey for evermore.

We are the products of our wishes.

                                                  We are the products of our wishes.

Deep Thoughts Are Always Coming…What Do I Do With Them

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I grabbed one of my many notebooks the other day as I prepared to go to a meeting about a mural project.  I recently pulled many of my art boxes out in preparation of an upcoming festival (my art business is currently composed of large plastic tubs while we try to convince someone they want to buy our home). So, the notebook I grabbed was one I haven’t looked through in awhile. I enjoy going back and reading my thoughts. There is an enumerable amount of notebooks filled with many musings.  I have told my husband that if I die before him, he must try to put my thoughts together somehow, but after my findings the other day, I may just begin sharing all that I find. Here is my little gem from the other day. You are going to have to let go Be yourself Open up Grab your muse Let it light your path And bring you into its grasp Get on a wild tangent Get past the smoke and mirrors Let the lies drop by your side Get off and leave the train There is no reason to hide Traces left behind…blown away Halt the sway Lifting, I think about the things you’ve said I think about the things you did You did help to bring about a greatness I can’t live without You are a living sentiment You brought from me my commitment I hated to say goodbye, but it was time to move in another direction A greatness with one day surface from a seed that was placed You will one day appreciate love of life and experience My greatness one should not underestimate I miss your face and sometimes Contemplate…

Medical Ideology vs. Evolutionary Intuition

I may have gone a bit far in my title, but I just have to express how deeply distressed I am at the moment about the state of some things in our society.
My most recent upset was started off with a link to an article written by a doctor whom has taken up the stance that she must advocate against the inherent risks associated with a particular profession.

The doctor is mainly only against the education level of her opposition (that the majority never set foot in a for-profit university) and against the inherent risks associated with the location of the practice (outside of the medical establishment).

It doesn’t really matter what she is for or against, really. This is not why I am distressed. If any one person would like to find a left or right, black or white, progressive or regressive, position they will. We humans are good at making ourselves look good and others look bad. It is the effect of positive illusions and it helps us to continue on just like we have endured for the last oh 200,000 years or better.

What are pressing on my mind are the droves of people who follow this lady because she has a Doctorate degree, which in their eyes makes people infallible. I only say this because looking through the comments, the followers kept touting about the opposition not being educated. Even though this was a huge generalization, and that their own statistics showed that a large percentage were middle-class and educated.

What makes them ignore blatant facts in front of them? Instead they want to engage in a bashing war? As if they are hyper focused on only what makes them feel good at the end of the day.

Their back and forth reminded me of Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged. Philip the brother of Hank is always out to get his shoulder patted for helping out the less fortunate. The outer Philip looks philanthropic and oh so Mother Teresa, but the underlying intention is far from humanitarian.

These people want to look like they are caring about the well being of others, but their actions and words speak greater of dire underlying intentions. I see this often these days.
I am perplexed and very angry that people allow themselves to just be taken over by others and used as pawns.

It is as if there has been a mind virus planted into the perceptions of the people. This virus creates a handle on which a string can be attached when needed and pulled to do the bidding.

I truly hope that this mentality of touting biased, over-generalized information as scientific face that must be accepted because it comes from the educated does not continue to be the norm in our near future.

Aldous Huxley’s A Brave New World gives a peak into a future like that. “Once a perception is accepted, then everyone else must follow because no one could ever be better than the upheld scientific/religious/majority view.”

The Boy Whose Brain Could Unlock Autism — Matter

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The research and theory described in the link below is amazing.  I can attest in my opinion to its validity. Maybe not scientifically, but definitely intuitively.

Once I realized that much of the emotions I experienced in crowds was due to an oversensitive system, such as feeling others thoughts and emotions, I have not only greatly improved, but my daughter as well. Once I explained this to her she can actively try to pass over the extra stimuli. This is crucial for school age children.

It is difficult to explain, but there is this sort of understanding of others around you. It is not as if I can read others minds. I do not sense words. I just feel thoughts and emotion. This is especially confusing when their words or actions do not coincide with the way they feel.

These feelings in the past brought about fear in myself. A fear of being manipulated and used.  That the other person is hiding their true intentions. This may stem from triggers in childhood. I had a repressive, fearful mother and a domineering father, whom eventually left. My mother had also claimed that she never wanted any of us children, but that she was obligated to care for us. There was never much hugging or affection given.

This can definitely ruin ones sense of self and security. It can breed a  suspicious mind.

For a long time, not knowing what I was feeling, I directed all feelings toward myself in a negative manner.  As though I were only worthy of the least of human emotions.

For example, if a friend was upset about her mother and angry, I would perceive her angry feelings as though I did something wrong. I most likely would then obsessively  try to recall the instance I could have angered her. Upon not finding an infraction, I would immediately try to justify my loyalty and usually retreat from the relationship. I would never know what went wrong, and think the other just simply did not like me.

One can imagine after many attempts and failures to find out why so much hostility was directed towards myself, why I would shut down or become withdrawn. 

Now that I see the information I receive as what it is, I am better able to cope. I do not immediately take it internally and directed toward me. It is still always confusing and overwhelming. It is as though I view a situation from the perspective of everyone involved with all of their attached perceptions all at the same time.

I truly do understand where someone is coming from or how they are feeling with no way to express this to them.

Many times I wish the others could feel my thoughts and we could understand and except one another solely on this level.  No words needed. I sometimes find myself screaming on the inside, but know one hears.

I have a theory that could possibly help change the way I and others like me interact with the world around us…profound social change and acceptance of metaphysical interactions. 

I don’t do well in a world of superficiality. It is not that I am naive and gullible, but that I am capable of a much deeper understanding of situations. I tend to see a bigger picture, and I tend to ignore petty aspects that do not attribute to the whole. 

With a rise in autism we may be on the brink of a great leap in human evolution. We are working toward a critical mass.

I hope to one day be accepted as I am. Allowed to fully express myself without the constraints of societal pettiness and contempt.

Please take the time to read the article, it is good for the soul to try out new perspectives once in a while.

https://medium.com/matter/70c3d64ff221