Disguised Blessings – #Blesstival 2016

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By Jef Poskanzer – originally posted to Flickr as Glass Beach / wave, CC BY 2.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=3773754

Blessings come in many ways in our lives and sometimes those blessing are in disguise.

It is easy to look back on our experience and see where something or someone was a blessing, but it is very difficult to see those blessing that are currently unfolding in the present, especially if they come with difficult change.

This of course does not mean that we are not blessed in the current moment; we just need to understand that blessings can come as hardships. We have all heard before when a tragedy strikes that maybe positive change will come of it.

I am reminded of the phrase “diamond in the rough.” If it were not for the hardships that cause one to get thrown about in the waves of experience, then one may never reach that level of refined beauty that so many seek.

I was asked recently by a friend, “How did you end up with a good man after being with an abusive one?” This was asked honestly with the underlying notion that those who get involved in abusive relationships tend to repeat those relationship choices.

I had never thought about my current relationship from this perspective….

How did I end up making a positive change in my life?

I am glad my friend had the courage to speak up and ask me. This was a blessing in its own right. The subject came up because of a blog post that I reluctantly made about my past abuse. I did not know at the time just how much healing that one blog post could bring me and again I was blessed.

My current relationship is thankfully not an abusive one. There are hard times and there are really tough decisions that need to be made, but I am now in a secure place in my experience that allows for greater spiritual growth. I am changing and growing and I am blessed to be in such a responsive relationship. I have been contemplating for weeks about my current relationship and questioning its blessings in preparation for this post. I only now see this relationship as such a blessing in progress because of this post.

When we honestly question our current experience for deeper meaning we are allowing the All That Is to move about freely in our lives to help us do some polishing up. This is also when synchronicity becomes visible. This has definitely been happening in my life, and I am happy to invite the change in perspective.

My previous post was about past blessings and where they have brought me. Those blessing in my life were much easier to view in hindsight. I could see the good that came about from those situations and I could say with confidence that I was blessed.

This current post is not as definitive as my last. I am being blessed yet I am among the chaos that comes with the shedding of old ways. Many of these current blessings are still being expressed and brought forth. They are not finished with me and I have not felt their true worth.

One of those blessings is my husband. It is his birthday today and I want to honor his presence in my life by expressing the blessings I have received from our relationship.

It has been difficult to truly see my blessings. I know that I have benefited greatly from our relationship and I know that I am happy with where our decisions have brought us thus far, but after 10 years we are still a work in progress.

If there is one great lesson that I have learned from this man, it is to seek greatness in all that I do and the blessings will abound.

I am still at a loss for words to describe the blessings in our relationship, but I do know that love is the best sandpaper there is when is comes to smoothing out our spiritual selves. My husband and I can only truly know our worth to one another and others can only know the reflections that our relationship makes upon this world.

My hope is that we help create positive change to those around us.

Change is always happening and we get to chose how we perceive it, just as you get to perceive my intentions for this post.

I want others to seek to see the beginnings of blessings in their current situations and remember that blessings come in many unsuspecting ways.

This post was created as part of a Blog Blesstival created by Sophia’s Children.  I would like to thank Jamie for opening up the windows for these blessings to be brought forth.

Wallowing Will Get You Nowhere

A little nugget of wisdom I found in one of my notebooks.  The painting is one of mine as well titled "As Above So Below.

A little nugget of wisdom I found in one of my notebooks.                                                                     The painting is one of mine as well titled “As Above So Below.

This morning I found the following written in one of my many notebooks. I wrote it a few years ago around the time I launched my first website. I had sort of forgotten about it.

I want a jolt to spring forth through my art and strike people. Strike them with logical thought and reason. Something to bring them up out of the wallowing in sorrow for themselves and mankind.
I don’t want fame and fortune. I want a society with creative fortitude and passion for life.
A spring of new life will come forth.

I want change.

Real change, not some cheap knock-off pretending to hold some altruistic motive, but a change that is of goals. What we need is a change that can only happen when one reaches down within the deepest and darkest chasms within their being and fight their demons head on and truly extinguish those undulating negative thoughts.

I have definitely wallowed in those pits of sorrow and despair for myself and many other people around me, as well as those I didn’t even know.  So much so that I have been hospitalized more than once for suicidal ideation and its failed attempts.

I have been one to compare myself with so many others.

I have looked down my morals nose at others.

I have seen so much negative in the others and the world around me.

Why was everything around me so terrible and negative? My despair grew as did my wallowing. I thought that I had so much pity for everyone else. I felt as though I could be a moral beacon and bring those I pitied into knowing truth.  What I had was not empathy, but pity.

The very act of me feeling sorry for anyone else automatically brought them down to a level beneath me. As if I was some sort of saving grace for them. You may see some of this mindset in my past posts, which I am not going to remove because I have a changed perspective. I want this blog to be an ever changing being just as I am. It reflects my growth as an individual and it gives me something to look back on and question. I will not hide who I am, have been, or will become.

Recently, what I have begun to understand is that all the negative in the world that I was seeing has been my mirror of the perspective that I hold. (My negative is my negative. You may be harboring your own in a completely opposite truth of mine, but the mechanism is just the same.)

I have known of the saying that “Life is your mirror.” I have repeated it to others. I definitely have told my teenage daughter numerous times, but it never really sunk in fully until this last week. If you are not familiar with the life mirroring you concept, I found the following story today while putting this post together that helps illustrate the point. I would also suggest reading the original article source.

“There was a puppy in the woods, he was feeling sad and depressed with his life. He entered a house of mirrors (all the walls lined up with several hundreds of small mirrors). When he entered the house, he saw hundreds of sad puppies around him. Where-ever he looked he saw sad puppies. He became sure now that the world was full of sadness, because there were so many sad puppies. This confirmed the belief in his mind that sadness is all there is to life, and he became more sad and depressed as he left the house of mirrors.
There was a second puppy in the woods, he was feeling very angry within and was frustrated with his life. He had a scorn on his face and his eyes were narrow with anger. He entered the house of mirrors and saw himself surrounded by hundreds of angry puppies. He was only seeing his reflection on the mirrors, but he did not realize that. He snarled at the reflections and the reflections snarled back at him. In his mind he became convinced that this world is full of anger, and that he needed to defend himself against these angry puppies all the time. He came out of the house angrier and more frustrated with the world.

There was a third puppy in the woods, he was feeling full of joy and he was romping around with his tail wagging. He entered the house of mirrors and was extremely thrilled to see hundreds of happy puppies wagging their tails, smiling at him with glee in their eyes. He felt blessed to know that this world was full of happiness and that he had nothing to worry about, because there were so many happy puppies out there for company. He came out of the house feeling even more joyful, with a deep conviction in the goodness of life.”

If you replace the puppy with yourself, and you replace the house of mirrors with the external reality of your life, you can make a direct co-relation and realize the truth hidden in this story.

If I had read this information before and repeated it, why did it not click with me? Why did I not see it for what it was? It is because I have been lying to myself for so long that it had become an unconscious action. I was not aware of it, even though I touted its benefits to others.

I was living a lie. I didn’t believe in my worth. I told myself the worst case scenario about myself for so long that I believe it to my core and built up my belief system on its foundation. Not ever realizing that the foundation core of my beliefs was a complete cauldron of shit.

The worst is that I wanted to bring everyone else down to my trodden level. I saw it as some sort of haven. I was so blindsided as if I had Stockholm syndrome with my false belief system.

I wanted to tear down all of the work of our forefathers. To tear down the belief that humans are miraculous problems solvers, creators, innovators, creators, and all around good people.

I was calling for apocalypse.

I basically wanted mankind to be dumb-ed down and kept at a preindustrial level of just existing.

I wanted these things because I hated myself, so I reflected that into the world around me.

I certainly didn’t want just existing to be my lot in life, yet I was okay with wanting to throw all of mankind’s advancements and technology out with the proverbial bathwater.

Yes, we as a species have done some horrible things and are still carrying on some not so pleasantries, but we all make mistakes. We can either admit those mistakes and move on toward change in our world, or we can continue to bicker amongst ourselves about who knows the right way.

If we see negativity in our world, we need to ask ourselves from what perspective are we viewing that negativity.

We can continue to see great change in this world.

The Great Discontent and 100 Days of Showing Up

Journeying into the Depths of the Soul can be menacing yet refreshing.

Journeying into the Depths of the Soul can be menacing yet refreshing.

I live in a very fluid and symbolic world as an artist. I would assume many other artists, writers, and all around creatives are similar. The symbolic nature of my reality allows for me to create connections and meaning through most of my everyday happenings. I see a huge universe where everything is interconnected and flowing toward some kind of oneness.

It also becomes difficult being a mother to children, running a household, keeping up on daily chores, while trying to sustain my creativity. Keeping a creative flow of thoughts alongside these experiences as the only happenings in my everyday life becomes a bit overwhelming sometimes.

The combination of sameness and civil responsibility can become mundane or downright neurotic in some instances.

Recently, I jumped on the band wagon of #The100DayProject under the nomenclature of #100daysofusuallylate. The project is being supported by The Great Discontent…a magazine that is not just a magazine about creatives.

I was up late, as usual.  So late it was the early morning hours and I decided to show up for myself. I am usually late when it comes to many things, but the worst of them is showing up for myself. I don’t normally voice my opinion too harshly. I would like to say this is because I do not want hurt feelings, or because as a Libra I want balance, but really it is because I abhor confrontation.

I like people liking me. I do not like people not liking me or making me question myself.  (Big conundrum here since I like to question myself.)

Knowing is half the battle.

Knowing is half the battle.

That confession is a biggie. My memories of childhood are ones of stoicism. My memories of my mother were of an unflinching woman encompassed in self-sacrifice and hardship. Humble beginnings bring happiness was my motto.

I have always been one of those that relished in the fact that I survived the hardship, which in some way gave me a golden halo of satisfaction. My accomplishment was just surviving my victim-hood. As if being born into my family was some sort of curse, and surviving my childhood was the trophy to be won.

Now, with many more years of experience along with more years of changing perspectives I have arrived at a new reality. Or really I have chosen to live a new reality, because I love exploring my inner depths and finding out new things about myself. Challenging myself to grow and move in directions that intuitively feel right.

Usually late when it comes to stopping the madness of everyday life and slowing down to take time for myself needed to be stopped.

I must cherish myself if I can ever be there fully for my children, husband, or anyone else that may need my presence.

So, if you get a chance to check out my Instagram or Facebook page to follow along with my new perspective, then please do. I would love for you guys to share with me your stories as well. How do you show up for your self?

I am an ever changing and emerging feminine goddess made in the image of the all that is and I hope to continue the journey for evermore.

We are the products of our wishes.

                                                  We are the products of our wishes.

Deep Thoughts Are Always Coming…What Do I Do With Them

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I grabbed one of my many notebooks the other day as I prepared to go to a meeting about a mural project.  I recently pulled many of my art boxes out in preparation of an upcoming festival (my art business is currently composed of large plastic tubs while we try to convince someone they want to buy our home). So, the notebook I grabbed was one I haven’t looked through in awhile. I enjoy going back and reading my thoughts. There is an enumerable amount of notebooks filled with many musings.  I have told my husband that if I die before him, he must try to put my thoughts together somehow, but after my findings the other day, I may just begin sharing all that I find. Here is my little gem from the other day. You are going to have to let go Be yourself Open up Grab your muse Let it light your path And bring you into its grasp Get on a wild tangent Get past the smoke and mirrors Let the lies drop by your side Get off and leave the train There is no reason to hide Traces left behind…blown away Halt the sway Lifting, I think about the things you’ve said I think about the things you did You did help to bring about a greatness I can’t live without You are a living sentiment You brought from me my commitment I hated to say goodbye, but it was time to move in another direction A greatness with one day surface from a seed that was placed You will one day appreciate love of life and experience My greatness one should not underestimate I miss your face and sometimes Contemplate…

The Black and White of the Gray State

Gray State

Wow.

This concept has been floating around in the minds of many for quite some time now. I actually was not one of the millions who viewed the trailer since its first release in 2012, and as of the time of this post I have not yet viewed the trailer or the documentary. I plan on doing that after I express my ideas. I am not sure either if making a trailer for a film that is still just an idea is a thing or not. I believe when pitching a film maybe one does this, but it does seem a bit overboard in my opinion just from what I have read.

Now, as a life’s purpose project, I definitely could see myself pushing this hard to get my idea picked up…I think. I have three books I’m writing which are near and dear to my heart and yet I have only spoken in extent about them to a few friends and family (well that is until now). I also have never seen war firsthand nor have I worked for our government in a militaristic capacity either. Maybe this fervor that David Crowley had came from his personal experiences. I have known many, who did serve the military in Iraq and Afghanistan, and they did not have much good to say about the situation, and many have also ended their lives.

To me there is a huge dichotomy being created at the moment around the film release of American Sniper and by the release of Gray Matter: The Rise. It is a reprieve for those who are against war and our ever increasing militaristic government.

I rather not go into my opinion about American Sniper nor its media aftermath, but I am compelled to share some thoughts on this Gray State production.

A comment on Facebook that was made on behalf of Gray State, that I can only suppose was David Crowley goes as follows:

“Sometimes I feel like it was our will alone keeping national disaster at bay. But I will   tell you this: A SERIES, which could be produced and released WAY FASTER     than a film, has the potential to subvert the system. How can it not? Sorry guys but Breaking Bad and Game of Thrones, while entertaining, lack a real-world purpose. Gray State will not fail you. How could it?”

I would like to say that intuitively I feel as though David had become destitute in his journey to get his message to the public. He felt as though he needed to drastic measures taken and he calculated vehemently as a mad man would and came to the conclusion that a mystery death would bring about the needed controversy to push his agenda. I am reminded of the protagonist Raskolnikov in Dostoevsky’s Crime and Punishment.

David Crowley may have settled on an problem-reaction-solution just as the CIA and FBI have been known for. “Why not play their game against them?” He may have asked himself.

I do not judge him in his actions. He did in his reality, what he perceived as the correct move. I do not judge in the same way as if those “big bad secret guys” in black suits came in through his back patio and set the whole thing up. (I do not think the latter, however, since I have a romantic notion that humanity hasn’t stooped that low.)

I may, though, postulate opinions according to my experience, but I do not live in their lives. I do not see the world through their experience spectacles. I do love a good movie/book/TV series which I feel allows me to very briefly see the world through another’s eyes, but I can only view these with my perspective and my perspective is only mine. This is the same with everyone else, unless I have lived your experience I can only suppose how you feel about things, that is, unless your help reveal your truth to me. I love swapping opinions and views with others, especially when the others are truthfully exposing their opinions for the sake of the exchange.

This may be why I enjoy reading the comments of others on things that I see on the internet. To me the comments are more important than the actual information from the media that initiated the comments.

I love changing venues so to speak and listen in to the conversations. There are all types of people represented in any given place. Say for instance, I just viewed a Youtube video about Ancient Aliens (you knew that was coming, right?) and I saw many people commenting against the premise of the video…I wondered about those people’s intentions. Why watch something one is against and then start discord amongst a group of people? I can see a stating of opinion, but it gets way worse than that in YouTube comments. These are things many would not wail at another on the street. These are usually words that could get someone arrested if spoken in public and created a scene. (Yes, just because we have free speech does not mean that we can just tear out the hearts of fellow humans around us and get away with it.)

I create this scenario in my head:

“Hey, how about I go watch this video about aliens in the suggestions. I don’t believe in them, but I just want to watch anyways….”

*video incites negative thoughts*

The ego of the person does not like that he may be wrong….he must defend his position.

“Hey, now let me comment and let everyone know how stupid I think they are because I don’t believe in what they believe in.”

*nastily comments to others calling them derogatory names according to their avatars*
Ego gets an uplifting boost from the undermining of others, person now feels on top of their game.

*Gets flushed and has rush of adrenaline when others begin to comment back*

*Gets very pissed off that others commenting back are against him *

“I better just keep bashing them all, let me watch this debunking video about aliens, they know what they are talking about.”

*continues to switch back and forth between dissenters of his opinion with those who agree with him…Ego grows ever stronger*

This is like mental flexing. I love this game and the internet is my playground.

However, the continuation of comments on the Facebook page for the production Gray State is a bit disconcerting. I am radically confused. People are still commenting to comments months after the initial Q and A comment back in September 2014. This is despite the Google results I get that mostly speak of the death of Crowley. What is really odd is that it seems David never commented after that date. A lot of his comments also have a PR feel to them; very vague and cheery. He practically shuns all fan funding and apparently completely ignores others extending helping hands.

I can only guess he either never intended on full production or he was very disillusioned about the whole Hollywood production process.

Another comment made on behalf of Gray State:

“It’s already too late. Know yourself and be free anyway.”

which was prompted by the comment:

“Will the movie be ready before its to late?”

I again can only postulate that David was already well on a lonesome road to disillusionment about the entire current state of our world. He was slowly becoming in his mind a messiah figure to the Enlightenment movement that has spread across the plane of the internet.

I am sad at the loss of lives, but it is all rather entertaining.

That is why we continue on anyway…the entertainment of our minds.

In this moment I may not seem to be one your side, but that does not mean that I am against you.

Medical Ideology vs. Evolutionary Intuition

I may have gone a bit far in my title, but I just have to express how deeply distressed I am at the moment about the state of some things in our society.
My most recent upset was started off with a link to an article written by a doctor whom has taken up the stance that she must advocate against the inherent risks associated with a particular profession.

The doctor is mainly only against the education level of her opposition (that the majority never set foot in a for-profit university) and against the inherent risks associated with the location of the practice (outside of the medical establishment).

It doesn’t really matter what she is for or against, really. This is not why I am distressed. If any one person would like to find a left or right, black or white, progressive or regressive, position they will. We humans are good at making ourselves look good and others look bad. It is the effect of positive illusions and it helps us to continue on just like we have endured for the last oh 200,000 years or better.

What are pressing on my mind are the droves of people who follow this lady because she has a Doctorate degree, which in their eyes makes people infallible. I only say this because looking through the comments, the followers kept touting about the opposition not being educated. Even though this was a huge generalization, and that their own statistics showed that a large percentage were middle-class and educated.

What makes them ignore blatant facts in front of them? Instead they want to engage in a bashing war? As if they are hyper focused on only what makes them feel good at the end of the day.

Their back and forth reminded me of Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged. Philip the brother of Hank is always out to get his shoulder patted for helping out the less fortunate. The outer Philip looks philanthropic and oh so Mother Teresa, but the underlying intention is far from humanitarian.

These people want to look like they are caring about the well being of others, but their actions and words speak greater of dire underlying intentions. I see this often these days.
I am perplexed and very angry that people allow themselves to just be taken over by others and used as pawns.

It is as if there has been a mind virus planted into the perceptions of the people. This virus creates a handle on which a string can be attached when needed and pulled to do the bidding.

I truly hope that this mentality of touting biased, over-generalized information as scientific face that must be accepted because it comes from the educated does not continue to be the norm in our near future.

Aldous Huxley’s A Brave New World gives a peak into a future like that. “Once a perception is accepted, then everyone else must follow because no one could ever be better than the upheld scientific/religious/majority view.”

A vaccine against magic

Just as a cautious businessman avoids tying up all his capital in one concern, so, perhaps, worldly wisdom will advise us not to look for the whole of our satisfaction from a single aspiration. -Sigmund Freud

We are the thing that creates change.

A vaccine against magic.

The Boy Whose Brain Could Unlock Autism — Matter

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The research and theory described in the link below is amazing.  I can attest in my opinion to its validity. Maybe not scientifically, but definitely intuitively.

Once I realized that much of the emotions I experienced in crowds was due to an oversensitive system, such as feeling others thoughts and emotions, I have not only greatly improved, but my daughter as well. Once I explained this to her she can actively try to pass over the extra stimuli. This is crucial for school age children.

It is difficult to explain, but there is this sort of understanding of others around you. It is not as if I can read others minds. I do not sense words. I just feel thoughts and emotion. This is especially confusing when their words or actions do not coincide with the way they feel.

These feelings in the past brought about fear in myself. A fear of being manipulated and used.  That the other person is hiding their true intentions. This may stem from triggers in childhood. I had a repressive, fearful mother and a domineering father, whom eventually left. My mother had also claimed that she never wanted any of us children, but that she was obligated to care for us. There was never much hugging or affection given.

This can definitely ruin ones sense of self and security. It can breed a  suspicious mind.

For a long time, not knowing what I was feeling, I directed all feelings toward myself in a negative manner.  As though I were only worthy of the least of human emotions.

For example, if a friend was upset about her mother and angry, I would perceive her angry feelings as though I did something wrong. I most likely would then obsessively  try to recall the instance I could have angered her. Upon not finding an infraction, I would immediately try to justify my loyalty and usually retreat from the relationship. I would never know what went wrong, and think the other just simply did not like me.

One can imagine after many attempts and failures to find out why so much hostility was directed towards myself, why I would shut down or become withdrawn. 

Now that I see the information I receive as what it is, I am better able to cope. I do not immediately take it internally and directed toward me. It is still always confusing and overwhelming. It is as though I view a situation from the perspective of everyone involved with all of their attached perceptions all at the same time.

I truly do understand where someone is coming from or how they are feeling with no way to express this to them.

Many times I wish the others could feel my thoughts and we could understand and except one another solely on this level.  No words needed. I sometimes find myself screaming on the inside, but know one hears.

I have a theory that could possibly help change the way I and others like me interact with the world around us…profound social change and acceptance of metaphysical interactions. 

I don’t do well in a world of superficiality. It is not that I am naive and gullible, but that I am capable of a much deeper understanding of situations. I tend to see a bigger picture, and I tend to ignore petty aspects that do not attribute to the whole. 

With a rise in autism we may be on the brink of a great leap in human evolution. We are working toward a critical mass.

I hope to one day be accepted as I am. Allowed to fully express myself without the constraints of societal pettiness and contempt.

Please take the time to read the article, it is good for the soul to try out new perspectives once in a while.

https://medium.com/matter/70c3d64ff221

Will Our Own Creations Take Over One Day?

Nothing Skews Nature Quite Like Monsters and Zombies.

It seems there are others out there feeling the same way I do about some of the systems that we have created.  Have you heard of the hive mind they have created for robots?  I have quite a few thoughts in my head where this can lead, and hopefully the one where the psychopathic corporate heads are taken down for not making any logical sense.

Here are a few more links of interesting articles that correlate with my previous post.

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Human ingenuity has created a world that the mind cannot master. Have we finally reached our limits?

The New Totalitarianism: How American Corporations Have Made America Like the Soviet Union

The Ever Winding and Tightening Gyre of Disappearing Whiffenpoofs

So It Begins: Darpa Sets Out to Make Computers That Can Teach Themselves

Enjoy!