A Wandering Soul

A Wandering Soul…

I love to wander.

I love to wander through thoughts which ponder
of experience and understanding
of the many possibilities.

Wander through things that are imaginable
because I have had the ability and seen
and had the ability and did

and wander through things that are unimaginable
that only peek through bits and pieces
small gestures and fragments minutely perceivable

I love to imagine all the multitude of possibilities
and then to know that I still cannot fathom it all…

This understanding pushes me to wandering more
wander through the thoughts of others
not just in present day

but to travel into the past
to experience the lives
to imagine the exasperation
to feel the emotions of times before
yet ever so present

I love wandering through my gratuitous thoughts
things that come freely with experience
many memories of that which I have lived

My thankfulness of the language that humans have created
My gratefulness for the humans whom created the tools which recorded it
…and for the many hours spent and lifetimes used to document and record
so that I may wander this vast universe of possibilities

Thanks be to so many humans
throughout so many ages
influenced by so many cultures and ways of lifetimes
…for the thoughts of which I love to wander.

Disguised Blessings – #Blesstival 2016

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By Jef Poskanzer – originally posted to Flickr as Glass Beach / wave, CC BY 2.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=3773754

Blessings come in many ways in our lives and sometimes those blessing are in disguise.

It is easy to look back on our experience and see where something or someone was a blessing, but it is very difficult to see those blessing that are currently unfolding in the present, especially if they come with difficult change.

This of course does not mean that we are not blessed in the current moment; we just need to understand that blessings can come as hardships. We have all heard before when a tragedy strikes that maybe positive change will come of it.

I am reminded of the phrase “diamond in the rough.” If it were not for the hardships that cause one to get thrown about in the waves of experience, then one may never reach that level of refined beauty that so many seek.

I was asked recently by a friend, “How did you end up with a good man after being with an abusive one?” This was asked honestly with the underlying notion that those who get involved in abusive relationships tend to repeat those relationship choices.

I had never thought about my current relationship from this perspective….

How did I end up making a positive change in my life?

I am glad my friend had the courage to speak up and ask me. This was a blessing in its own right. The subject came up because of a blog post that I reluctantly made about my past abuse. I did not know at the time just how much healing that one blog post could bring me and again I was blessed.

My current relationship is thankfully not an abusive one. There are hard times and there are really tough decisions that need to be made, but I am now in a secure place in my experience that allows for greater spiritual growth. I am changing and growing and I am blessed to be in such a responsive relationship. I have been contemplating for weeks about my current relationship and questioning its blessings in preparation for this post. I only now see this relationship as such a blessing in progress because of this post.

When we honestly question our current experience for deeper meaning we are allowing the All That Is to move about freely in our lives to help us do some polishing up. This is also when synchronicity becomes visible. This has definitely been happening in my life, and I am happy to invite the change in perspective.

My previous post was about past blessings and where they have brought me. Those blessing in my life were much easier to view in hindsight. I could see the good that came about from those situations and I could say with confidence that I was blessed.

This current post is not as definitive as my last. I am being blessed yet I am among the chaos that comes with the shedding of old ways. Many of these current blessings are still being expressed and brought forth. They are not finished with me and I have not felt their true worth.

One of those blessings is my husband. It is his birthday today and I want to honor his presence in my life by expressing the blessings I have received from our relationship.

It has been difficult to truly see my blessings. I know that I have benefited greatly from our relationship and I know that I am happy with where our decisions have brought us thus far, but after 10 years we are still a work in progress.

If there is one great lesson that I have learned from this man, it is to seek greatness in all that I do and the blessings will abound.

I am still at a loss for words to describe the blessings in our relationship, but I do know that love is the best sandpaper there is when is comes to smoothing out our spiritual selves. My husband and I can only truly know our worth to one another and others can only know the reflections that our relationship makes upon this world.

My hope is that we help create positive change to those around us.

Change is always happening and we get to chose how we perceive it, just as you get to perceive my intentions for this post.

I want others to seek to see the beginnings of blessings in their current situations and remember that blessings come in many unsuspecting ways.

This post was created as part of a Blog Blesstival created by Sophia’s Children.  I would like to thank Jamie for opening up the windows for these blessings to be brought forth.

One Thing That My Horrible Coaching Experience Did Teach Me

One thing that my coaching experience did teach me.

“Do not let someone to tell you who and what you are not.”

This is an essential lesson learned even without the payment for services.

My coaching experience started with me being wrapped up and flown on a magic carpet ride to an imaginative dream world. A world where I could have all that this world imagines for me. Great abundance and prosperity. Little did I know my idea of abundance (happiness, satisfaction, inner peace) greatly differed from my coaches idea of abundance (money, vacations, and stuff) This seeking of future abundance could almost become an addiction for some. I did what I do best…speculate and create.

I’m good at this. I could sit and imagine all day. I may be addicted to theorizing and postulating, but one day I feel something will come of it. This is because I can’t stop it and I’m not sure if I want to.

A huge bump on my flight to dreamland that brought me out of my daze was when my relationship with my husband was not only questioned by my coach, but I was demonstrably shunned for thinking such a thing about my own experience.

I may not have a clue as to why I am here on this earth, or what exactly I am supposed to be accomplishing in this incarnation, but one thing I do know down to the deepest of my core as a fluid and feeling being in this temporal experience is the facts about my relationship with my husband.

I know what we have and I know where we have come from the beginning. Our relationship is the closest and most profound experience that I have manifested in my reality. We are so deeply intimate that I find it difficult to even describe. We have pushed and prodded one another toward greater awareness of the other as well as into deeper understandings of ourselves. We continue to grow and hope to effect those whose lives we encounter. We have spent many countless hours talking about our deepest fears to our greatest dreams. I know no one closer than he. I am so intricately intertwined into his psyche as he is to mine. Truly I believe deep down that we are one soul on another plane. The completeness that I get from his presence in this life is the one thing that grounds me every time I let my feet lift off into the other-worlds; those worlds of doubt and worry. The desolate places within our minds that hold all the darkest parts of humanity in its tombs. These are the places where our devils and demons are chained and caged for us to view from afar. The places that exist so we may have formality and complacency. Those are the places that many try to ignore and forget. The places that get changed into myth as though they never existed. They are brought outside of our selves and put on display as if we have no order or control over their forces. It is easy for a dreamer to get lost in these deep dark caverns of our psyches. Nicholas is my beacon among the shadows. He brings me back to reality. I could go on and on with my expressions of happiness and gratitude when it comes to the other soul that gives me a sense of completeness, but it will not settle with anyone’s heart unless they too have experienced such a relationship.

I am grateful for the grounding that I receive from my husband, and it was our relationship questioned that brought me again out of my coaching dream state.

It pains me when I mention something about my love to someone and they reply with the totally opposite viewpoint using socially acceptable clichés about relationships. The cliches you see used in TV entertainment. The drama and excitment of discontent. It too is addicting to some. I thankfully do not have this addiction, I think…

During this coaching experience I began learning some things about myself and becoming excited about delving into the waters of my soul, but my coach stopped me mid sentence and told me that was not the case and that I needed to get that idea out of my head. I was immediately taken aback. I was shoved into my past where as a young girl I could be so entranced into my imaginative play and then was dragged out by the screams of my mother about all the wrong I had done.

This is when my expensive carpet ride hit some turbulence. I had opened up too much to a total stranger. I had poured my heart out and cried to this woman, and in an instant she betrayed that trust. I was shown a side of this woman that she had cleverly hidden from me. I had been given a completely wrong impression from the beginning as a cute sales ploy to gain my allegiance as a customer.

I was just another sales call.

I was disheartened.

Every interaction we had after that I was reminded of all the others in my past whom had lied to me about who they truly were; the manipulative and abusive boyfriends, the classmates who sneeringly joked about me, the mother who transformed into a monster, the father who abandoned me, the religion that ostracized me.

I was still healing from these things and so quickly were those wounds ripped open. I had spent the most money ever on myself. I was just emerging from my dark night of the soul on my healing journey when my coach grabbed those chains and drug me back to the filthy pits of transgressors.

I lost all trust again.

I was that little girl hiding back beneath the bed, peeing herself so she didn’t have to face the monster.

I wanted my money back. I wanted to forget about what had happened. I didn’t. I was shot down and too scared to stand up for myself. I stuck through the rest of our time together. I got nauseous and gagged a little when she spent an hour trying to convince me to sign up to her inner circle, for a monthly fee. I knew that I couldn’t use the same deceptive practices to lull some unsuspecting soul into a trap for a few bucks. I could not and would not join a group of women who pride themselves in the closing sales pitch as they flaunt the wealth that comes from their deceitful practice.

I would liken the experience to a new age cult. One is slowly reeled in by promises of multitudes and plenty be it happiness or money. Then once inside the halls they are damned to perpetuate the cycle in order to uphold their end of the deal. If they do not uphold their end… they are dropped from the circle that keeps them alive in whatever they were promised. Either you want it bad enough, or you would rather save your soul.

I sheepishly saved my soul and ran for the nearest exit.

I did gain insight with my coaching experience just like I gained greater insight from the many other relationships I have had as a human on this earth. I fell into the coaching trap for a reason. It may not have manifested what my ego wanted, but it did give me greater wisdom.

All of my experience plays a part in who I have become in this 33 year old body. It all comes down to whether I choose to allow that insight to help me create order within myself or delve into chaos.

Shared from WordPress

“…To be an Athenian is to cherish language because you believe it to be humankind’s most precious gift. In their use of language, Athenians strive for grace, precision, and variety. And they admire those who can achieve such skill. To a Visigoth, one word is as good as another, one sentence in distinguishable from another. A Visigoth’s language aspires to nothing higher than the cliche…”

This should be shared all over. Sadly America is going the way of the Visigoths.

Read the whole speech by following the link.

Smoking Mirrors – http://wp.me/p4Dj0-7Nr

Has Your Lifestyle Been Designed By Marketers

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My husband moved up in the world of business about a year and a half ago. We did like most Americans and began spending more money. We decided to expand our family. We bought a new vehicle, and we decided to buy a larger house….this on top of just spending for spending’s sake.

Then we stopped ourselves and my husband quit his job on Friday after a culmination of synchronistic events.

Why?

Because he wanted to stay at home more. We need him and he wants to be with us. Yes, I do have an art business I run out of my home, but it is still scary as hell moving away from an 8:30-6:30 job. (Screw this 9-5 nonsense, he was always away longer)

I really appreciate the following article for its candidness. I promise to update you on my husband’s antics at home. He has been home for only a few days straight and already my baby’s first words are dada…go figure.

Your Lifestyle Has Already Been Designed (The Real Reason For The Forty-Hour Workweek).

Have you quit you day job?

I want to know gory details.

Poop Health is No Joking Matter

I was prompted this morning to share this with you guys…

Actually I was prompted about this time last year to share this story, but I have been reluctant to put a face to my poop story.

I get it; poop is icky stuff brimming with bacteria that can cause the worst retching this side of Texas. It is private and not socially acceptable to speak about poop, but why is it not acceptable? Toddlers certainly have no qualms about poop. They are definitely proud of anything they create, and poop is their creation. Creating to them is still magical and mysterious. Think about how proud mothers are who birthed a child…to a toddler they are birthing this strange stuff every day. They are not quite sure what it is; they know they can’t touch it. But, they are curious.

I have been asked before if poop is actually made of chocolate; very seriously so. I have had to do some strong coaxing, convincing a toddler that it is not chocolate. Diagrams and Grey’s Anatomy…I digress.

This story is not about my toddlers, though. This story is about me. (You can view my toddler’s poop antics here.)

My poop story does start way back when, though.  From the time that I was a small child I thought having a bowel movement twice a week was normal. That was my reality and I never questioned it. People of course didn’t talk about these things either. In my family, we didn’t talk about much at all. I can remember having a difficult time even speaking out loud to adults, let alone speaking about forbidden things.

Poop speak really isn’t forbidden, but it is shunned as a no-no from a very early age. I started shushing my children from the first time they uttered poop speak in public, because that is what I was taught. I was taught many things from a young age that I never thought twice about instilling in my own children. We are socially groomed by our immediate family members and perpetuate those social norms until we contemplate them otherwise.

…and I have contemplated otherwise.

I now know that daily bowels habits are a sign if excellent health and poop speak is common in my home. It is not uncommon to hear the exclamation, “I pooped,” uttered in my house, or the question, “Have you pooped today?”

Now, understandably, one doesn’t have to poop every day. It really depends upon the quantity and quality of the food consumed. If your body is very active and the food is of high quality, easily digestible food, then you could go 2 days without a bowel movement and you are not having problems. However, if your body is sedentary and being filled with over processed grains and chemical sludge, then going every 2 days is a sign of a problem. You are backing up the most essential nutrient logistics system in your body, and with the eating habits of Americans going to the dumps, there is no wonder that one of the most prevalent diseases in our society are ones involving the bowels.

Colon and rectal cancers 4th Leading cause of cancer death.
Constipation is on the rise.

I’m just throwing those links out there…not really sure if there is any correlation or not, but my intuition says yes.

If you do a search you will find many more sites focused on treating constipation than you will find talking about healthy bowel habits. Chewing food completely, at least 22 times, is another healthy bowel habit I have found.

Since some like to shout fiber and dehydration first, I would like to add that as a child we did not have snack cakes or cokes in my home. Our snacks were fruits and veggies and we made tea and kool-aid by the gallons. I ate broccoli, cauliflower, carrots, corn, potatoes, and everything else veggie. We did have cold cereal, bread, and pastries. I still had no daily bowel habits. I just lived with what I now understand was chronic constipation.

I was made fun of by peers for having foul flatulence. I tried to laugh it all off, but it did bother me. For me pain in my joints started in my teens. I would get really bad shoulder and back pain just from vacuuming or wiping down tables at my waitressing job. I never realized this was something bad. We just sucked it up and didn’t complain in my house.
It took me being diagnosed at 28 with Lupus for me to even start researching.

I had had a sore throat for months that just would not let up. At first I thought it was allergies, and then I moved on to strep throat. I soon began contemplating more dire issues like having a thyroid problem. I would not have imagined the culmination of my symptoms would have garnered the diagnosis of Lupus.

After extensively researching the internet, reading numerous scientific papers, books, and blogs, I eventually started a gluten free diet to see if it would help my inflammatory response and tone down the Lupus symptoms. I first talked about this back in 2012.

After many months of this diet, maybe even more than a year I began having bowel movements everyday and sometimes more. I thought something was wrong.

Nope, nothing wrong with pooping numerous times a day. I found that it is actually healthy bowel habits. Since beginning my gluten free diet 3 years ago, I am in the best health ever! I am on no medication for systemic Lupus and I am not swollen in the mornings, I don’t ache all over, and I love having a bowel movement. It is the weirdest thing, but I am happy to feel the urge, sit down, everything comes out perfect, clean, and quick; never even strain. I love a gluten free diet.

No matter what the poo pooers out there say about gluten chic…I am sold.

There it is…my entrails laid bare.

I can go back to painting now.

A vaccine against magic

Just as a cautious businessman avoids tying up all his capital in one concern, so, perhaps, worldly wisdom will advise us not to look for the whole of our satisfaction from a single aspiration. -Sigmund Freud

We are the thing that creates change.

A vaccine against magic.

Don’t Listen to the Man Driving the Black Sedan


Sometimes I think my brain gets fatigued and I end up getting influenced by the corporate new world order. Influenced to live a way of life in which I’m told to leave my children under the care of someone else while I venture out to make large sums of money for someone else…and maybe a little for me.

I ended up getting whisked away with the dreams of cruising the Mediterranean and seeing the sites. This of course happened while I sat across from a bald guy in a closet office on the third floor of an office building. He had contacted me about an offer that could make me a very rich woman…not to mention all the other perks.
I just had to learn the ropes, so I buckled down and in a week I was licensed to sell *drum roll please* insurance.

Really?

Why did I do that?

I let money completely blind me for about 3 weeks and then after days of cold calling random people for 8 hours a day the artist inside of me began to scream!

I got sick. I’m not sure if it was all the calling or trying to learn all the ways to psychologically screw with people’s minds to make them buy insurance. It may have been both. I stopped the whole public relations and advertising bit for the very same reason.

How do people live everyday knowing they are manipulating others to make a few more dollars?
The last time that I tried to take on a job other than art, I got very sick. I’m reminded now of inflamed carotid arteries.

I think I may need some Jungian analysis or I may just be on to something.

I do know that I got the message this time around. I am not a person who sells their integrity for a paycheck.

I have now begun to put as much effort into my art business as I did into becoming an insurance salesman and things are actually looking up. I only needed to be despised by people to understand that I wasn’t giving myself enough credit when it came to my talents as an artist.

I will be launching an actual website soon. I allowed the professionals be professionals and took some great advice from so many who continued to encourage me to follow my heart and I am thankful for that.

I will leave you with some creations.

A lovely tribute piece created for a dojo.

A lovely tribute piece created for a dojo.

Spy theme

Spy theme

Acrylic on a reclaimed cupboard door.

Acrylic on a reclaimed cupboard door.

Beautiful Pet Portrait

Beautiful Pet Portrait

Piece for a Vegan restaurant in Memphis, TN made on reclaimed antique desktop.

Piece for a Vegan restaurant in Memphis, TN made on reclaimed antique desktop.

The Encompassing Ego…with order there must be chaos

rustic compass

I try to help nudge open the minds of those around me with one action at a time.  This is how I live my life; trying to be an example of what happens when someone just is, which is quite difficult in our technology and service driven world.  I like for one moment to run into the next without much planning ahead or thinking about how my action will be perceived by others….

…that is what I like to tell myself anyways.

What was just written was my ego trying to make its identity fit into some kind of role.  The persona I relate to which helps me remember my story and give meaning to my life, the one I have been creating since the birth of my avatar.

Although we are told when we are young “We can achieve our dreams” no one specified that our dreams mustn’t hold our only value and true worth.  We should also be told the we must have understanding of ourselves beside our actions for the ego.

I just got off the phone with my father who I haven’t spoken to since last weekend.  I speak to him every weekend and we have long conversations about life in general.  Sometimes he is coherent; sometimes he has had way too much to drink.  Most of the time he gets offended by something said or misconstrued.  Today he was angry because I didn’t call him on Father’s Day.

I explained that it was a day that only brings more pain than joy for those who have had losses in their lives and that should one day hold so much baring on one’s character.  It has been turned from a day of commemoration to a day of counting up grievances so that they can be doled back out, much like any other commemorating day in the eyes of divisionalized corporate societies.

He didn’t much like my explanation, so I asked him if I was wrong to not speak to him that one day when I speak to him every other weekend of the year.  He couldn’t answer.  I also asked if my sister who called him that one day yet ignores his calls throughout the year was now somehow “off the hook” because she called on this special designated day.

To me, how can someone came up with a day that was soon adopted commercially and is synonymous with one attending a weekly church service to make them feel good about themselves.

The feeding that ego again is what it is all about.  We all want to be heard, we all want our experience to be known, we all want to be honored, and we all want someone to celebrate us.  How can anyone be trusted when the actions that they pursue are for the ego?

It is trust that is no longer valid when one lets go of the ego and no longer has the need to be offended.

My father quickly changed the subject from my infraction to his ego over to what my current status is on some projects.  Well mainly just the project that involves a metal sign created by my late grandfather.  It once traversed the entrance to his family’s land.  This was the land which had been in our family since the inception of U.S. War Bounty Land Warrants given out to veterans of the Revolutionary War; lands that were slowly sold off in small parcels when economic times became rough and eventually succumbed to being completely lost when my grandfather died and his new wife decided she no longer wanted the upkeep, but rather the money it was worth.

June 075My uncle removed the sign from the property, repainted it and had it lying in his backyard until his wife decided to leave him, take his home, and sell it.

It has now been resting and rusting away in my uncle’s former neighbor’s yard until I rescued it a few weeks ago.  My plan is to sand it down and repaint it to keep the rust from eating it to nothing.  Although there is no longer hundreds of year old family land for it to grace the entrance, there can be a resurrection of it amongst my vegetable garden in the suburbs.

This is I do believe is something to commemorate, or maybe not, since it means the passing of a way of life that may never again be seen in this country.

(I wonder what ever came of the old family graveyard tucked away in the woods on that property?)

I informed my dad that the sign is patiently nesting between my corn and grapes awaiting its make-over, and that I have more pressing projects before the grinding can commence.  He wasn’t impressed.

 He scoffed at my involvement with People Against the NDAA .  He told me that I can’t change the way things are.

Really? What happened to father’s telling their children that the world is at their feet?

Man, there could be a long list of achievements that never were if their inspiration came from father’s like mine.

I see my future to be bright and I will not allow there to be anyone with the authority over me and my family that of sovereign action.  Do people not realize that laws create futures?  These are the parameters we are setting for our children’s achievements.  This is when that inspiring adage “Be all that you can be” warps into “Be what we say you can be or move out of our way.”

I continue loving my dad for the human that he is and leave the inspiration to those who stood up for something like Samuel Adams who said, “It does not take a majority to prevail… but rather an irate, tireless minority, keen on setting brushfires of freedom in the minds of men.”

That is if I can trust the intentions of those who wrote the history books.

(Damn ego)

The long road of life…

The road may be long, but it is also filled with many sites.

The road may be long, but it is also filled with many sites.

“To summon angels is one thing. To be an angel is another. The latter will get you and the world far more mileage. The earth is not a place where angels thrive. It is a training ground to become one.”

http://omtimes.com/2013/05/the-truth-about-fairy-tales-from-the-heart-with-alan-cohen/