To the Mother Who Stabbed Her Children, We Failed You as a Society

Shanynthia Gardner…

My heart goes out to you.

We failed you as a society.

Although I truly want to, I cannot really fathom the depths of despair which caused you to commit such a heinous act against your children; your flesh and blood.

I can only imagine that you must have been in such turmoil with your mind and body having gone through so many pregnancies so quickly with no time to recuperate. You probably have not slept a full night in more than 5 years.  Your pregnancies probably depleted your body of all of its nutrients that allow for someone to think logically and with reason.

I do not know your circumstance and I can only speculate about what kind of person would continually get you pregnant so quickly after having so much strain on your body.  I truly hope you were not also in an abusive relationship.  A person like that to me could not have been a loving and understanding father, husband, or partner.

I cannot imagine what it would be like, but I do want you to know that I am mourning the lives of your children and hoping for the best for your surviving son.  He is going to have to endure all of the ridicule that you receive and his heart will be tortured for many years to come.  Some people do not think about these things when they quickly judge someone else’s action.  For that I am truly sorry.

I really hope that the other partner/s involved in this tragedy do not exploit these circumstances for financial gain when he or they are culpable in this matter.  Women do not have babies alone and real fathers have compassion for their wives and partners.  Real men help with the children and try to relieve stress on the mother.

I too have been in the deep shadows of the depths of despair where psychosis lurks. It is not enjoyable to rise from those places back into the light and realize the pain and destruction that you have caused.  You can never go back.  You must now forever live with this guilt and for that I am really sorry, and I do not judge you.  My heart goes out to you and your family.

Human beings whom are reading this, if you know a mother who too has had this many children in such a short time period please give them some stress relief!

Cook them a good dinner.

Clean their house.

Watch the kids and give them an afternoon off.

Hang out, laugh, and do laundry together.

Do not make them feel bad for having gotten pregnant yet again. It happens.  What is done is done.  The least we can do is help make life a bit easier so that the next generation of human beings can grow up to make this world an even better place where tragedies like this, that are preventable, do not occur.

We can learn from this.

We are all in this together.

http://www.survivingppp.com/2016/01/postpartum-psychosis-can-you-forgive.html#.V3gGUDVRKAU

View story at Medium.com

http://thehealthcure.info/this-chilling-story-of-postpartum-psychosis-will-make-you-rethink-maternal-mental-illness/https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/isnt-what-i-expected/201202/postpartum-psychosis-scary-treatable

*Edit Note: I was informed via Facebook by George Brown of WREG that his understanding is that not all of the children were Shanynthia’s biological children and that we do not know if her husband was supportive or not.  He also added that we do not know if she sought, turned away, or was turned away from an kind of treatment.  I wanted to add these because I wrote earlier from the heart after hearing such negativity about this story.  I did not do any research and did not claim that I was reporting in any way about this story.

I would like to note that women can have postpartum psychosis from only one pregnancy.  It does not just occur after multiple pregnancies.  Also I would like to note, that I thank all of those fathers out there that do their best to be supportive, my husband is one.  You guys rock as well as any aunts, mother, sisters, friends, and the like that support our mother’s in this world.  We need people like you.  We need deeply caring and compassionate people to support us in any way possible.

A Wandering Soul

A Wandering Soul…

I love to wander.

I love to wander through thoughts which ponder
of experience and understanding
of the many possibilities.

Wander through things that are imaginable
because I have had the ability and seen
and had the ability and did

and wander through things that are unimaginable
that only peek through bits and pieces
small gestures and fragments minutely perceivable

I love to imagine all the multitude of possibilities
and then to know that I still cannot fathom it all…

This understanding pushes me to wandering more
wander through the thoughts of others
not just in present day

but to travel into the past
to experience the lives
to imagine the exasperation
to feel the emotions of times before
yet ever so present

I love wandering through my gratuitous thoughts
things that come freely with experience
many memories of that which I have lived

My thankfulness of the language that humans have created
My gratefulness for the humans whom created the tools which recorded it
…and for the many hours spent and lifetimes used to document and record
so that I may wander this vast universe of possibilities

Thanks be to so many humans
throughout so many ages
influenced by so many cultures and ways of lifetimes
…for the thoughts of which I love to wander.

Disguised Blessings – #Blesstival 2016

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By Jef Poskanzer – originally posted to Flickr as Glass Beach / wave, CC BY 2.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=3773754

Blessings come in many ways in our lives and sometimes those blessing are in disguise.

It is easy to look back on our experience and see where something or someone was a blessing, but it is very difficult to see those blessing that are currently unfolding in the present, especially if they come with difficult change.

This of course does not mean that we are not blessed in the current moment; we just need to understand that blessings can come as hardships. We have all heard before when a tragedy strikes that maybe positive change will come of it.

I am reminded of the phrase “diamond in the rough.” If it were not for the hardships that cause one to get thrown about in the waves of experience, then one may never reach that level of refined beauty that so many seek.

I was asked recently by a friend, “How did you end up with a good man after being with an abusive one?” This was asked honestly with the underlying notion that those who get involved in abusive relationships tend to repeat those relationship choices.

I had never thought about my current relationship from this perspective….

How did I end up making a positive change in my life?

I am glad my friend had the courage to speak up and ask me. This was a blessing in its own right. The subject came up because of a blog post that I reluctantly made about my past abuse. I did not know at the time just how much healing that one blog post could bring me and again I was blessed.

My current relationship is thankfully not an abusive one. There are hard times and there are really tough decisions that need to be made, but I am now in a secure place in my experience that allows for greater spiritual growth. I am changing and growing and I am blessed to be in such a responsive relationship. I have been contemplating for weeks about my current relationship and questioning its blessings in preparation for this post. I only now see this relationship as such a blessing in progress because of this post.

When we honestly question our current experience for deeper meaning we are allowing the All That Is to move about freely in our lives to help us do some polishing up. This is also when synchronicity becomes visible. This has definitely been happening in my life, and I am happy to invite the change in perspective.

My previous post was about past blessings and where they have brought me. Those blessing in my life were much easier to view in hindsight. I could see the good that came about from those situations and I could say with confidence that I was blessed.

This current post is not as definitive as my last. I am being blessed yet I am among the chaos that comes with the shedding of old ways. Many of these current blessings are still being expressed and brought forth. They are not finished with me and I have not felt their true worth.

One of those blessings is my husband. It is his birthday today and I want to honor his presence in my life by expressing the blessings I have received from our relationship.

It has been difficult to truly see my blessings. I know that I have benefited greatly from our relationship and I know that I am happy with where our decisions have brought us thus far, but after 10 years we are still a work in progress.

If there is one great lesson that I have learned from this man, it is to seek greatness in all that I do and the blessings will abound.

I am still at a loss for words to describe the blessings in our relationship, but I do know that love is the best sandpaper there is when is comes to smoothing out our spiritual selves. My husband and I can only truly know our worth to one another and others can only know the reflections that our relationship makes upon this world.

My hope is that we help create positive change to those around us.

Change is always happening and we get to chose how we perceive it, just as you get to perceive my intentions for this post.

I want others to seek to see the beginnings of blessings in their current situations and remember that blessings come in many unsuspecting ways.

This post was created as part of a Blog Blesstival created by Sophia’s Children.  I would like to thank Jamie for opening up the windows for these blessings to be brought forth.

Serendipitous Blessings – #Blesstival 2016

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photo via quotesgram.com

My mother and father divorced when I was 9 years old. This is the same age my father was when his mother lost her battle with cancer. Within the first year after the loss of his mother, my father also lost a brother to drowning and his grandmother to old age. Not long after these losses my father’s other siblings left home, and he being the baby was left to survive this devastating string of events with an emotionally and psychologically unstable father.

My father was never equipped to create and raise 3 girls, let alone 2 step children along with a wife who had untreated thyroid problems that caused a whole slew of psychological trauma on its own.

I am not real sure how we as children survived much of this. Thankfully, none of my siblings lost their lives, but we were all disturbed none the less.

We were, however, blessed with the presence of a man who walked into our loves so simply serendipitous. My mother was eating by herself at a restaurant one morning and was approached by a young man asking for a cigarette. This young man was accompanied that morning by his uncle who had noticed the petite woman dinning alone. He didn’t care if she had a cigarette or not, he really just wanted to know more about her.

Within a few months my mother and this man would be married in the living room of our home. She was in a mint green dress and he in slacks and a button down. It would make a third marriage for the both of them. Last summer they celebrated their 23rd anniversary.

In a few days, this man turns 56 and I have so many life lessons attributed to his sweet and kind spirit. He taught me not only how to play chess and to cast a fishing line, but he also taught me that among the chaos of life there are still waters.

I do not know much about where he came from and how it was that he made his way into our lives, but he was the bastion of hope that our family needed. He may not have been my biological father, but he was father to me in so many ways. I am so thankful for his being in my life and my family’s life.

He was the age I am now when he was given the choice by my mother to take on a family or move on. He chose the hard path, and he walked into a damaged home filled with broken hearts and managed to patch some things up by setting a good example.

I often contemplate where my life would be without his guidance and acceptance. He was the memory in the back of my mind that allowed me to see the good in the world. When my heart was broken by detestable men, I had the hope there were good men out there because of his representation.

I owe him so much for showing up in our lives and maintaining a place in our hearts, and for all of the effort and love that he put into my growth as a being. Just knowing the struggles he faced as a surrogate father encourages me to push forward when things get difficult in my own life.

I was and still am truly blessed by his presence in my life, and my wish as we begin our journey into 2016 and beyond is that others receive such a great blessing in their lives as well.

 

This post was created as part of a Blog Blesstival created by Sophia’s Children.  I would like to thank Jamie for opening up the windows for these blessings to be brought forth.

One Thing That My Horrible Coaching Experience Did Teach Me

One thing that my coaching experience did teach me.

“Do not let someone to tell you who and what you are not.”

This is an essential lesson learned even without the payment for services.

My coaching experience started with me being wrapped up and flown on a magic carpet ride to an imaginative dream world. A world where I could have all that this world imagines for me. Great abundance and prosperity. Little did I know my idea of abundance (happiness, satisfaction, inner peace) greatly differed from my coaches idea of abundance (money, vacations, and stuff) This seeking of future abundance could almost become an addiction for some. I did what I do best…speculate and create.

I’m good at this. I could sit and imagine all day. I may be addicted to theorizing and postulating, but one day I feel something will come of it. This is because I can’t stop it and I’m not sure if I want to.

A huge bump on my flight to dreamland that brought me out of my daze was when my relationship with my husband was not only questioned by my coach, but I was demonstrably shunned for thinking such a thing about my own experience.

I may not have a clue as to why I am here on this earth, or what exactly I am supposed to be accomplishing in this incarnation, but one thing I do know down to the deepest of my core as a fluid and feeling being in this temporal experience is the facts about my relationship with my husband.

I know what we have and I know where we have come from the beginning. Our relationship is the closest and most profound experience that I have manifested in my reality. We are so deeply intimate that I find it difficult to even describe. We have pushed and prodded one another toward greater awareness of the other as well as into deeper understandings of ourselves. We continue to grow and hope to effect those whose lives we encounter. We have spent many countless hours talking about our deepest fears to our greatest dreams. I know no one closer than he. I am so intricately intertwined into his psyche as he is to mine. Truly I believe deep down that we are one soul on another plane. The completeness that I get from his presence in this life is the one thing that grounds me every time I let my feet lift off into the other-worlds; those worlds of doubt and worry. The desolate places within our minds that hold all the darkest parts of humanity in its tombs. These are the places where our devils and demons are chained and caged for us to view from afar. The places that exist so we may have formality and complacency. Those are the places that many try to ignore and forget. The places that get changed into myth as though they never existed. They are brought outside of our selves and put on display as if we have no order or control over their forces. It is easy for a dreamer to get lost in these deep dark caverns of our psyches. Nicholas is my beacon among the shadows. He brings me back to reality. I could go on and on with my expressions of happiness and gratitude when it comes to the other soul that gives me a sense of completeness, but it will not settle with anyone’s heart unless they too have experienced such a relationship.

I am grateful for the grounding that I receive from my husband, and it was our relationship questioned that brought me again out of my coaching dream state.

It pains me when I mention something about my love to someone and they reply with the totally opposite viewpoint using socially acceptable clichés about relationships. The cliches you see used in TV entertainment. The drama and excitment of discontent. It too is addicting to some. I thankfully do not have this addiction, I think…

During this coaching experience I began learning some things about myself and becoming excited about delving into the waters of my soul, but my coach stopped me mid sentence and told me that was not the case and that I needed to get that idea out of my head. I was immediately taken aback. I was shoved into my past where as a young girl I could be so entranced into my imaginative play and then was dragged out by the screams of my mother about all the wrong I had done.

This is when my expensive carpet ride hit some turbulence. I had opened up too much to a total stranger. I had poured my heart out and cried to this woman, and in an instant she betrayed that trust. I was shown a side of this woman that she had cleverly hidden from me. I had been given a completely wrong impression from the beginning as a cute sales ploy to gain my allegiance as a customer.

I was just another sales call.

I was disheartened.

Every interaction we had after that I was reminded of all the others in my past whom had lied to me about who they truly were; the manipulative and abusive boyfriends, the classmates who sneeringly joked about me, the mother who transformed into a monster, the father who abandoned me, the religion that ostracized me.

I was still healing from these things and so quickly were those wounds ripped open. I had spent the most money ever on myself. I was just emerging from my dark night of the soul on my healing journey when my coach grabbed those chains and drug me back to the filthy pits of transgressors.

I lost all trust again.

I was that little girl hiding back beneath the bed, peeing herself so she didn’t have to face the monster.

I wanted my money back. I wanted to forget about what had happened. I didn’t. I was shot down and too scared to stand up for myself. I stuck through the rest of our time together. I got nauseous and gagged a little when she spent an hour trying to convince me to sign up to her inner circle, for a monthly fee. I knew that I couldn’t use the same deceptive practices to lull some unsuspecting soul into a trap for a few bucks. I could not and would not join a group of women who pride themselves in the closing sales pitch as they flaunt the wealth that comes from their deceitful practice.

I would liken the experience to a new age cult. One is slowly reeled in by promises of multitudes and plenty be it happiness or money. Then once inside the halls they are damned to perpetuate the cycle in order to uphold their end of the deal. If they do not uphold their end… they are dropped from the circle that keeps them alive in whatever they were promised. Either you want it bad enough, or you would rather save your soul.

I sheepishly saved my soul and ran for the nearest exit.

I did gain insight with my coaching experience just like I gained greater insight from the many other relationships I have had as a human on this earth. I fell into the coaching trap for a reason. It may not have manifested what my ego wanted, but it did give me greater wisdom.

All of my experience plays a part in who I have become in this 33 year old body. It all comes down to whether I choose to allow that insight to help me create order within myself or delve into chaos.

The Great Discontent and 100 Days of Showing Up

Journeying into the Depths of the Soul can be menacing yet refreshing.

Journeying into the Depths of the Soul can be menacing yet refreshing.

I live in a very fluid and symbolic world as an artist. I would assume many other artists, writers, and all around creatives are similar. The symbolic nature of my reality allows for me to create connections and meaning through most of my everyday happenings. I see a huge universe where everything is interconnected and flowing toward some kind of oneness.

It also becomes difficult being a mother to children, running a household, keeping up on daily chores, while trying to sustain my creativity. Keeping a creative flow of thoughts alongside these experiences as the only happenings in my everyday life becomes a bit overwhelming sometimes.

The combination of sameness and civil responsibility can become mundane or downright neurotic in some instances.

Recently, I jumped on the band wagon of #The100DayProject under the nomenclature of #100daysofusuallylate. The project is being supported by The Great Discontent…a magazine that is not just a magazine about creatives.

I was up late, as usual.  So late it was the early morning hours and I decided to show up for myself. I am usually late when it comes to many things, but the worst of them is showing up for myself. I don’t normally voice my opinion too harshly. I would like to say this is because I do not want hurt feelings, or because as a Libra I want balance, but really it is because I abhor confrontation.

I like people liking me. I do not like people not liking me or making me question myself.  (Big conundrum here since I like to question myself.)

Knowing is half the battle.

Knowing is half the battle.

That confession is a biggie. My memories of childhood are ones of stoicism. My memories of my mother were of an unflinching woman encompassed in self-sacrifice and hardship. Humble beginnings bring happiness was my motto.

I have always been one of those that relished in the fact that I survived the hardship, which in some way gave me a golden halo of satisfaction. My accomplishment was just surviving my victim-hood. As if being born into my family was some sort of curse, and surviving my childhood was the trophy to be won.

Now, with many more years of experience along with more years of changing perspectives I have arrived at a new reality. Or really I have chosen to live a new reality, because I love exploring my inner depths and finding out new things about myself. Challenging myself to grow and move in directions that intuitively feel right.

Usually late when it comes to stopping the madness of everyday life and slowing down to take time for myself needed to be stopped.

I must cherish myself if I can ever be there fully for my children, husband, or anyone else that may need my presence.

So, if you get a chance to check out my Instagram or Facebook page to follow along with my new perspective, then please do. I would love for you guys to share with me your stories as well. How do you show up for your self?

I am an ever changing and emerging feminine goddess made in the image of the all that is and I hope to continue the journey for evermore.

We are the products of our wishes.

                                                  We are the products of our wishes.

Has Your Lifestyle Been Designed By Marketers

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My husband moved up in the world of business about a year and a half ago. We did like most Americans and began spending more money. We decided to expand our family. We bought a new vehicle, and we decided to buy a larger house….this on top of just spending for spending’s sake.

Then we stopped ourselves and my husband quit his job on Friday after a culmination of synchronistic events.

Why?

Because he wanted to stay at home more. We need him and he wants to be with us. Yes, I do have an art business I run out of my home, but it is still scary as hell moving away from an 8:30-6:30 job. (Screw this 9-5 nonsense, he was always away longer)

I really appreciate the following article for its candidness. I promise to update you on my husband’s antics at home. He has been home for only a few days straight and already my baby’s first words are dada…go figure.

Your Lifestyle Has Already Been Designed (The Real Reason For The Forty-Hour Workweek).

Have you quit you day job?

I want to know gory details.

The Boy Whose Brain Could Unlock Autism — Matter

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The research and theory described in the link below is amazing.  I can attest in my opinion to its validity. Maybe not scientifically, but definitely intuitively.

Once I realized that much of the emotions I experienced in crowds was due to an oversensitive system, such as feeling others thoughts and emotions, I have not only greatly improved, but my daughter as well. Once I explained this to her she can actively try to pass over the extra stimuli. This is crucial for school age children.

It is difficult to explain, but there is this sort of understanding of others around you. It is not as if I can read others minds. I do not sense words. I just feel thoughts and emotion. This is especially confusing when their words or actions do not coincide with the way they feel.

These feelings in the past brought about fear in myself. A fear of being manipulated and used.  That the other person is hiding their true intentions. This may stem from triggers in childhood. I had a repressive, fearful mother and a domineering father, whom eventually left. My mother had also claimed that she never wanted any of us children, but that she was obligated to care for us. There was never much hugging or affection given.

This can definitely ruin ones sense of self and security. It can breed a  suspicious mind.

For a long time, not knowing what I was feeling, I directed all feelings toward myself in a negative manner.  As though I were only worthy of the least of human emotions.

For example, if a friend was upset about her mother and angry, I would perceive her angry feelings as though I did something wrong. I most likely would then obsessively  try to recall the instance I could have angered her. Upon not finding an infraction, I would immediately try to justify my loyalty and usually retreat from the relationship. I would never know what went wrong, and think the other just simply did not like me.

One can imagine after many attempts and failures to find out why so much hostility was directed towards myself, why I would shut down or become withdrawn. 

Now that I see the information I receive as what it is, I am better able to cope. I do not immediately take it internally and directed toward me. It is still always confusing and overwhelming. It is as though I view a situation from the perspective of everyone involved with all of their attached perceptions all at the same time.

I truly do understand where someone is coming from or how they are feeling with no way to express this to them.

Many times I wish the others could feel my thoughts and we could understand and except one another solely on this level.  No words needed. I sometimes find myself screaming on the inside, but know one hears.

I have a theory that could possibly help change the way I and others like me interact with the world around us…profound social change and acceptance of metaphysical interactions. 

I don’t do well in a world of superficiality. It is not that I am naive and gullible, but that I am capable of a much deeper understanding of situations. I tend to see a bigger picture, and I tend to ignore petty aspects that do not attribute to the whole. 

With a rise in autism we may be on the brink of a great leap in human evolution. We are working toward a critical mass.

I hope to one day be accepted as I am. Allowed to fully express myself without the constraints of societal pettiness and contempt.

Please take the time to read the article, it is good for the soul to try out new perspectives once in a while.

https://medium.com/matter/70c3d64ff221

Bringing up The Next Generation of Thomas Paines

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I love being having the freedom to share the genuine and thoughtful ideas of those around me…and I hope to be able to continue to do so for many generations to come.

“To argue with a man who has renounced the use and authority of reason, and whose philosophy consists in holding humanity in contempt, is like administering medicine to the dead, or endeavoring to convert an atheist by scripture.”
Thomas Paine, The American Crisis