A Wandering Soul

A Wandering Soul…

I love to wander.

I love to wander through thoughts which ponder
of experience and understanding
of the many possibilities.

Wander through things that are imaginable
because I have had the ability and seen
and had the ability and did

and wander through things that are unimaginable
that only peek through bits and pieces
small gestures and fragments minutely perceivable

I love to imagine all the multitude of possibilities
and then to know that I still cannot fathom it all…

This understanding pushes me to wandering more
wander through the thoughts of others
not just in present day

but to travel into the past
to experience the lives
to imagine the exasperation
to feel the emotions of times before
yet ever so present

I love wandering through my gratuitous thoughts
things that come freely with experience
many memories of that which I have lived

My thankfulness of the language that humans have created
My gratefulness for the humans whom created the tools which recorded it
…and for the many hours spent and lifetimes used to document and record
so that I may wander this vast universe of possibilities

Thanks be to so many humans
throughout so many ages
influenced by so many cultures and ways of lifetimes
…for the thoughts of which I love to wander.

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Disguised Blessings – #Blesstival 2016

800px-Glass_Beach_Fort_Bragg_2

By Jef Poskanzer – originally posted to Flickr as Glass Beach / wave, CC BY 2.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=3773754

Blessings come in many ways in our lives and sometimes those blessing are in disguise.

It is easy to look back on our experience and see where something or someone was a blessing, but it is very difficult to see those blessing that are currently unfolding in the present, especially if they come with difficult change.

This of course does not mean that we are not blessed in the current moment; we just need to understand that blessings can come as hardships. We have all heard before when a tragedy strikes that maybe positive change will come of it.

I am reminded of the phrase “diamond in the rough.” If it were not for the hardships that cause one to get thrown about in the waves of experience, then one may never reach that level of refined beauty that so many seek.

I was asked recently by a friend, “How did you end up with a good man after being with an abusive one?” This was asked honestly with the underlying notion that those who get involved in abusive relationships tend to repeat those relationship choices.

I had never thought about my current relationship from this perspective….

How did I end up making a positive change in my life?

I am glad my friend had the courage to speak up and ask me. This was a blessing in its own right. The subject came up because of a blog post that I reluctantly made about my past abuse. I did not know at the time just how much healing that one blog post could bring me and again I was blessed.

My current relationship is thankfully not an abusive one. There are hard times and there are really tough decisions that need to be made, but I am now in a secure place in my experience that allows for greater spiritual growth. I am changing and growing and I am blessed to be in such a responsive relationship. I have been contemplating for weeks about my current relationship and questioning its blessings in preparation for this post. I only now see this relationship as such a blessing in progress because of this post.

When we honestly question our current experience for deeper meaning we are allowing the All That Is to move about freely in our lives to help us do some polishing up. This is also when synchronicity becomes visible. This has definitely been happening in my life, and I am happy to invite the change in perspective.

My previous post was about past blessings and where they have brought me. Those blessing in my life were much easier to view in hindsight. I could see the good that came about from those situations and I could say with confidence that I was blessed.

This current post is not as definitive as my last. I am being blessed yet I am among the chaos that comes with the shedding of old ways. Many of these current blessings are still being expressed and brought forth. They are not finished with me and I have not felt their true worth.

One of those blessings is my husband. It is his birthday today and I want to honor his presence in my life by expressing the blessings I have received from our relationship.

It has been difficult to truly see my blessings. I know that I have benefited greatly from our relationship and I know that I am happy with where our decisions have brought us thus far, but after 10 years we are still a work in progress.

If there is one great lesson that I have learned from this man, it is to seek greatness in all that I do and the blessings will abound.

I am still at a loss for words to describe the blessings in our relationship, but I do know that love is the best sandpaper there is when is comes to smoothing out our spiritual selves. My husband and I can only truly know our worth to one another and others can only know the reflections that our relationship makes upon this world.

My hope is that we help create positive change to those around us.

Change is always happening and we get to chose how we perceive it, just as you get to perceive my intentions for this post.

I want others to seek to see the beginnings of blessings in their current situations and remember that blessings come in many unsuspecting ways.

This post was created as part of a Blog Blesstival created by Sophia’s Children.  I would like to thank Jamie for opening up the windows for these blessings to be brought forth.

Awe Inspiring Artwork is What I Do…

20150504_155926-1-1-1[1]The above is a painting I finally finished. (After showing up for myself) I have been working on it for about 2 years now. This particular piece was my exploration on compromise in relationships.

The idea behind it began with a video I watched of Jennifer Aniston interviewing Portia and Ellen on the Ellen Show.


You will have to watch the clip to get a greater understanding. I love for my outside world to help me question my inner world, and this is one reason I create. I create to explore myself and I have been having an existential crisis in my life for at least the last four years. It has definitely been my dark night of the soul, my journey into the valley of the shadow of death, and my all out saving grace wrapped into one. I am forever grateful for this journey within.
After watching this snippet of the show on the YouTube, I quickly jotted down the premise for the piece of work. I was fascinated by the relationship of these to women and their journey together. I wanted to show how this journey could be used to reflect how we as humans compromise in our lives to bring about acceptance and happiness in our lives.

In the painting I depicted a dilapidated house in the background that is ready to be transmuted into something greater.

House

                                                                            House

hous3

                                                                 House Again

According to the video this is what Ellen likes to do. She likes to explore the beauty of a home and create something greater in the process. Many of us do this in our everyday lives be it working for a corporation or a small mom and pop business. We want to create something greater in our world.

I then placed Ellen and Portia on a path in the woods.

Ellen and Porta path

                                                           Ellen and Portia on the Path

6 Ellen and Portia Path

                                           Ellen and Portia in Shadow on the Path

Path and Ellen2 This represents their journey together and the journey of all humans in existence. One can see within the painting that the light from outside of the woods has lighted the path and helps to define the features within the darkness of the woods. We cannot see this inner world unless we shine some sort of light on it. These two women are experiencing their journeys, albeit differently, together. Ellen is pulling Portia in a wagon. Ellen may be moving from one creative project to another creative project, but she is compromising with Portia by pulling her weight along instead of making her walk beside her. This is a compromise being made to have the fulfillment of a relationship. As long as the weight is not a negative aspect of the relationship, then there should be no reason why this particular choice of compromise should be detrimental to the lives of those involved. I see this as a greater truth that can be seen and accepted by others as well with these two woman as a great example.

Within my exploration of this concept I have added to this picture. When I add things I do so because I feel they are needed. It is not until afterward that I begin to explore their meaning. For instance. I added a small herd of deer. 4 to be exact and all does. I then find our that deer can represent grace, love, generosity, and abundance. I also found that deer symbolizes an inner journey, specifically female deer.

Symbolism

                                                                    Symbolism

Then the number four has very specific meaning.

I have also added
ivy, bluebells, red japanese maple tree, white blooming cherry tree, bridge, stream.

There is probably many more symbols, but you can see how they begin to paint their very own picture within the artwork.

The symbolism seems to just grow from the creative process. These things are never consciously chosen because of what they represent. It is as if the symbols manifest themselves to help me to understand what I am working through as an artist and human. To me is is a connection to the spiritual aspects of my journey, and I love exploring this part after the completion of a piece of work.

The best and worst thing about symbolism is that it can be interpreted however one would like.

I for so long have had an inner world of chaotic stories filled with negative reactions and intense emotions. I have told myself these stories with a chaotic dialogue. Talking about what I felt was going on in just about every situation I had been in. When I entered into a place, I immediately took the seat of inner reflection. Constantly judging my every action, every thought, every emotion, every word spoken aloud. I judged it against my background of perspective that I had of the world around me. I chose how I would interpret my world.

I am coming to the conclusion of my delusion.

I synchronistically was given clarity this morning from this piece of Sufi Rumi wisdom:

Although an imaginary image in this reality does not exist,
see how the world turns by a fantasy that still does persist.
Mankind’s peace and war because of a fantasy are turning…
Mankind’s pride and shame from a fantasy are springing…(Original Link)

I have been battling my internal dilemma, my imaginary image of the world around me. Why do I create something to battle? Why do I create turmoil? I know I create the perspective that I choose to see in the world around me. So why am I creating such a daunting reality?

Why, because I have lived the story that I was told. I have lived with a reality inside my mind that is a reflection of someone’s mind or image of the world.

I recently watched two similar documentaries that were completely different, and it really helped me to perceive this little bit of truth. These were not intentionally watched to seek very different perspectives, we just watched them very close together because the environment and innovation have been on our minds. I was given a good dichotomy that was going to ring true just a few days later, and this is why I was led by the universe to watch them.

For this little piece of Rumi wisdom to be understood the full content of the documentaries does not need to be known.

The first documentary was the Atomic States of America.

The primary objective of the movie was against nuclear power. I can tell you that the story plot heightened and culminated in me feeling horrible about human innovation and that society should be wiped off of the precious mother earth so that she can heal. Of course this is the primary purpose of the movie. It is meant to show the bad, dark, negative side of the atomic age and nuclear power as a whole. I would not be surprised if it was created with funding from the coal industry.
The second documentary Pandora’s Promise.
was also about nuclear power completely but from the opposite viewpoint. It was pro-nuclear power. This documentary heightened and culminated in me feeling overjoyed and excited about human innovation and advancement as a society. I was filled with musings and creativity after watching this movie. I felt positive and wanted to get to work on creating something great!

I definitely wanted to explore more after the second documentary. I do not want to debate morals and who is on the right side of the fence. I do not want to figure out which way is the right way. I only want to think about and explore the side the makes me as a human feel fulfilled and alive.

After watching Atomic States of America my husband and I were brought into for two days an existential crisis. We were ruminating about the tragedy of our lives and the lives of all of mankind. We were trying to figure out what we could do to help reverse the horrible bad things that we as humans have wrought on this earth. This is not a very happy place to be. We want to exist and be happy. We want to love our fellow man and celebrate in his victories. We do not want to exist to tear down and destroy society. Yet we allowed negative thoughts into our inner realities. These thoughts brought about more negative thoughts and more ruminating about sadness and wrong.

I do not want to live like this and neither does my husband. I definitely do not want to raise a family in this hole of a reality. Like we have dug ourselves down into the pits of hell and now we must exist amongst the monsters and death that we have uncovered.

Certainly I get to choose which reality that I want to exist in. I get to pick the side that I want to be on. I see this now. It has been here all along and I just choose not to see it. I get to live in my chosen reality. This is the only reality that I get to experience. Why would I not choose to experience the good positive feelings instead of the negative.

I am reminded of a saying, and I am not sure who said this, but it sits well with this lesson of mine.

“It doesn’t really matter what path one follows. What matters is the way that they follow the path.”

Are you allowing negative thoughts to cloud and darken your reality?

I am brought to the visualization of how the darkness and shadow help to define the light. We cannot have positive with the negative, but we definitely do not have to only live out the negative aspects.

I am reminded of another Rumi insight:

“Now is the time to see the sunlight dancing as one with the shadows.”

I am beginning a new series of portraits today. This series I believe has been implanted into me as a tiny little seed that is going to grow into something that will help others to perceive this wisdom. I will be exploring the ideas of shadow and light and how they interact with one another to help us perceive our reality.

In the mean time, what did you get out of this?

I will be exploring this subject a bit more as I work on this project and hopefully you can help me to explore more deeply.

How Are You Affecting Your Reality?

Exchanging energy is second nature with humans.

                                      Exchanging energy is second nature with humans.

I had a clarity of mind in an energy exchange with another person this morning. This exchange of energy was through the form of thoughts that were created by our brains’ reactions to each others brain’s outward expression of thoughts. Each one of us has the ability to create and express thoughts which are created by our brains through an energy exchange system.

I feel like this initial paragraph is rather confusing. So I created a cartoon to make sure you understand what I mean by energy exchange.

How we create our stories

                                                            How we create our stories

Energy ExchangeI want to show you the perspective of how you are physically being affected as well as your immediate world around you is physically being affected by not only yours, but everyone’s thoughts through this energy exchange system.

Before I explain to you this truth that I have come to realize, I need to make sure you completely understand how my mind has come to this conclusion. I do not want my saying “You are affected physically by your thoughts’” to seem as some metaphysical or esoteric froofroo grasp of our reality, so I am going to add a ton of links, but not an exhaustive list.

(Do yourself justice and read.  A lot.)

Your thoughts are energy.
Atoms and the smaller and smaller particles that make up atoms are a form of energy.  Your body is a cohesive lump of energy formed for the creation of something.

If you have a reaction to a situation (be it angry, nervous, upset, emotionally touched, happy, excited, sad) then you are being affected energetically which translate to physically affected by that reaction.

In using the phrase “a reaction” I am using the definition “a response to a stimulus.”

The energy is chemical and swirls around in your brain which in turn creates thoughts, hence thoughts are energy in the form of bio-magnetic energy.

Is that energy for good or bad? Are your thoughts positive or negative?

In these questions I am under the assumption that consuming energy and never creating something with the energy consumed one effectively creates inward flow of negative energy. This to me would be a void constantly consuming energy.

On the other hand consuming energy and then creating something for others to consume would effectively create a positive outward flow of energy.

Does one get a return on their energy consumption or do they just keep consuming?

An example of a positive outward flow would be working and creating value with their body and mind.

An example of a negative inward flow would be continually pulling in the energy of others to consume without giving anything back. Anyone know of a chatty Betty in the office that brings about the worst in people?

Humans are energy exchangers of sorts. Our bodies are an energy exchange system as well as other beings in the world, like animals and plants.

We consume energy in the form of food by breaking it down into its smallest components to be reassembled into whatever we need it for.

I may have drawn this one backward, but you get the idea hopefully.

                    I may have drawn this one backward, but you get the idea hopefully.

The brain and its functions consume the majority of our energy.

And we project this energy out toward those around us as well.

The energy of our brains has an effect on the energy of our hearts and vice versa. This energy also effects the hearts and minds of those closest to us. The more energy that we give into our thoughts and emotions the stronger our circle of effect we create.

Are we creating a whirlwind of negative aspects in our life?

How do our thoughts effect those around us?

Do we have a negative return on our energy consumption, or do we have a positive return from our energy system?

Do we just consume or do we put thought and function back into our environment for this exchange. For energy is not destroyed or created. Energy gets moved around. How are we moving that energy around?

Do we just consume? Are we consuming more than what we can effectively return back into the world in exchange?

*Note the use of affect vs effect is a bit confusing for me, so I may have gotten some of them wrong.  Otherwise I tried. Also, I am not a scientist and only theorize my truth explained.  I do invite debate, though.

Has Your Lifestyle Been Designed By Marketers

20150407_173213-2-1

My husband moved up in the world of business about a year and a half ago. We did like most Americans and began spending more money. We decided to expand our family. We bought a new vehicle, and we decided to buy a larger house….this on top of just spending for spending’s sake.

Then we stopped ourselves and my husband quit his job on Friday after a culmination of synchronistic events.

Why?

Because he wanted to stay at home more. We need him and he wants to be with us. Yes, I do have an art business I run out of my home, but it is still scary as hell moving away from an 8:30-6:30 job. (Screw this 9-5 nonsense, he was always away longer)

I really appreciate the following article for its candidness. I promise to update you on my husband’s antics at home. He has been home for only a few days straight and already my baby’s first words are dada…go figure.

Your Lifestyle Has Already Been Designed (The Real Reason For The Forty-Hour Workweek).

Have you quit you day job?

I want to know gory details.

Tripping on Front Porches

Southern living is not truly complete without an extra wide front porch…

We are currently in the throes of house hunting. You know the all too familiar story…we chose to add another life to our family and now there just is not enough space in our home for all of us.

Seriously, I am not sure how New Yorkers live in tiny apartments with no yard. We currently have a 1200 square foot house on a quarter of an acre for 6 people, two cats, and a dog (our second dog a shepherd is currently living at grandma’s house). No room.
Our living room has become the nursery pretty much. I replaced our entertainment center with a dresser to accommodate the extra stuff.

Yet, after house hunting only a few short weeks we are getting pretty bummed out. I have now begun reading others house hunting horror stories…this does not make it better in anyway.

I did want to share an experience, though, because I am now torn on a place.
We went to go look at a property that is everything that we want and more. I love to toil the earth and I love to have space to plant flowers and gardens and more flowers and yet another garden. This place had 6 acres and is within our budget. The house is fairly new and has a lot of space for our growing family. It would be great for our future teenage boys.
So, what’s the catch you might ask?

I had the strangest experience in my life while at this property.

The home was considered abandoned and the bank repossessed it.

I had the most bizarre blurring of my vision that began after we walked our tour of the house. It all started slowly with what seemed like small water droplets in my vision. This was as if I had on a pair of glasses sprinkled with water on the lenses. The effect was around all objects. Like each object was being looked at through a droplet. Soon it warped as if I had on a pair of swimming goggles where little droplets of water are on the lenses and water has gotten inside the goggles as well and filled my peripheral vision with electrified blurriness.

migraine aura

Everything was pulsating. It was all in motion no matter where I looked or what I viewed.
It wasn’t as if anything was dulled and blurry…everything was bright and seemingly hyper-real. Although there was this weird distortion, it was as if everything was super intensified in my field of vision.

wassdopp
I was straight tripping. I was standing there on the big beautiful Southern porch with the agent and my 4 children straight tripping out of my mind. I didn’t try to let on to what was happening to my vision, because I didn’t want anyone to think I was crazy. I didn’t feel wobbly or sick at all. I just saw everything in hyper focus.

My husband decided to walk the perimeter of the house one last time, so we remained there on the porch. I kept my gaze on objects away from the other’s faces and made small talk with the Realtor. I kept thinking this place is so perfect, but what the fuck was going on with my eyes.

I was a bit unnerved at the event. I started thinking of reasons why this could be occurring…one being the worst worst-case-scenario I could think up.
My imagination loves to bum me out some times. I settled on, “I’m just really hungry and am having a bit of low blood sugar.”

I still do not know what this disturbance was. It subsided quickly as we drove to a restaurant for lunch. The question that has stuck in my head is, “Was this just a coincidence, or did the property illicit my sudden vision problems?”

I have begun researching and found an answer and it looks like it might have been a migraine aura…

I have now come across the website http://www.migraine-aura.com. Wow, such a resource for so much interesting information. I have apparently been experiencing many things that are migraine related other than just the pain of a headache.

My whole worldview is being distorted at the moment.
I must now go and rethink my reality for a bit…

A vaccine against magic

Just as a cautious businessman avoids tying up all his capital in one concern, so, perhaps, worldly wisdom will advise us not to look for the whole of our satisfaction from a single aspiration. -Sigmund Freud

We are the thing that creates change.

A vaccine against magic.

Don’t Listen to the Man Driving the Black Sedan


Sometimes I think my brain gets fatigued and I end up getting influenced by the corporate new world order. Influenced to live a way of life in which I’m told to leave my children under the care of someone else while I venture out to make large sums of money for someone else…and maybe a little for me.

I ended up getting whisked away with the dreams of cruising the Mediterranean and seeing the sites. This of course happened while I sat across from a bald guy in a closet office on the third floor of an office building. He had contacted me about an offer that could make me a very rich woman…not to mention all the other perks.
I just had to learn the ropes, so I buckled down and in a week I was licensed to sell *drum roll please* insurance.

Really?

Why did I do that?

I let money completely blind me for about 3 weeks and then after days of cold calling random people for 8 hours a day the artist inside of me began to scream!

I got sick. I’m not sure if it was all the calling or trying to learn all the ways to psychologically screw with people’s minds to make them buy insurance. It may have been both. I stopped the whole public relations and advertising bit for the very same reason.

How do people live everyday knowing they are manipulating others to make a few more dollars?
The last time that I tried to take on a job other than art, I got very sick. I’m reminded now of inflamed carotid arteries.

I think I may need some Jungian analysis or I may just be on to something.

I do know that I got the message this time around. I am not a person who sells their integrity for a paycheck.

I have now begun to put as much effort into my art business as I did into becoming an insurance salesman and things are actually looking up. I only needed to be despised by people to understand that I wasn’t giving myself enough credit when it came to my talents as an artist.

I will be launching an actual website soon. I allowed the professionals be professionals and took some great advice from so many who continued to encourage me to follow my heart and I am thankful for that.

I will leave you with some creations.

A lovely tribute piece created for a dojo.

A lovely tribute piece created for a dojo.

Spy theme

Spy theme

Acrylic on a reclaimed cupboard door.

Acrylic on a reclaimed cupboard door.

Beautiful Pet Portrait

Beautiful Pet Portrait

Piece for a Vegan restaurant in Memphis, TN made on reclaimed antique desktop.

Piece for a Vegan restaurant in Memphis, TN made on reclaimed antique desktop.

Bringing up The Next Generation of Thomas Paines

Video


I love being having the freedom to share the genuine and thoughtful ideas of those around me…and I hope to be able to continue to do so for many generations to come.

“To argue with a man who has renounced the use and authority of reason, and whose philosophy consists in holding humanity in contempt, is like administering medicine to the dead, or endeavoring to convert an atheist by scripture.”
Thomas Paine, The American Crisis